Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Directed by: David R. Ellis
Written by: John Hefferman & Sebastien Gutierrez
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Nathan Phillips, Flex Alexander, Lin Shaye, Sunny Mabrey, Bruce James, Kenan Thompson, Keith "Blackman" Dallas, Gerard Plunkett, Terry Chen

Yes, this was one of the movies I wanted to see last year. It looked so stupid that it would be good. It wasn't. It wasn't dumb enough to be funny, nor was it bad enough to be interesting. It was just... mediocre. So very mediocre.

You can guess at the plot by the title, so I won't go into that. The snakes are put on the plane by this guy from the Hawaiian mafia (what the hell?!) who wants to assassinate this other guy what saw him do a murder. There are hundreds of ways to kill people that would be so much easier than putting snakes on planes. You could blow the plane up, for example.

There were a lot of problems like that, eating away at the logic of the film. For example, why not just turn the heat off inside the plane? The snakes would get cold, shut down and stop biting people. Duh.

And those snakes were pretty crazy. They seemed attracted to the softest, squishiest, grossest parts of people (eyes, tongues, nipples et cetera). I think one of the funniest lines in the whole movie was "Fucking snake! Get off my dick!" HA! Funny funny stuff (yes, I am turning into a psychotic lesbian who cuts of men's genitalia).

The most disgusting part, however, was probably when a woman wearing stiletto heels stepped in a guy's ear. Ew.

Anyway, the whole thing was appallingly bad and boring as all hell. The most distressing thing was the Samuel L. Jackson was in it. I mean, he's one several awards (I guess) and he's one of the greatest actors of our time. Why the fuck is he doing shit like this? He shouldn't have to. Stupid white man, putting Sam in crap on a plane.

The other shocking thing was how well it did. Just goes to show you how stupid the public is. Yes, I wanted to see it too (mostly cause it had Samuel L. Jackson in it. He's cool), but they're going to make a show of it and shit like that. Come on. And a number of other spin-offs, probably. Gophers on a Bus. Piranhas on a train...

It wasn't even very well made,now that I think about it. It was kind of sloppy and not very well thought out. And dammit, the dog got eaten. That's just not cool. Not cool at all (mind you, the guy who fed the dog to the big old Anaconda type thing got eaten by it himself, so the dog almost gets revenge from beyond the grave. W00t!)

So yeah, Snakes on a Plane sucks like a bitch. It had no drama, no action, no thrills, nothing. It was just a big pile of cliches trying to pass themselves off as a movie.

It'll probably go down in history as one of the greatest killer animal movies of our time, like Anaconda or something. Of course, that's what makes the movie, isn't it? Tarantula, crap like that, kind of sucks too, but it's withstood the test of time. It was better than Snakes though, actually. At least it was funny. And the Tarantula is more fearsome than those snakes, I'm sorry...

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