Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
Directed by: Gore Verbinski
Written by: Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, based on the theme park in Disney Land (or World or Park or whatever that fucking place is called)
Starring: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, Lee Arenberg, Mackenzie Crook, Naomie Harris, Tom Hollander, Jack Davenport, Chow Yun-Fat, Bill Nighy, Kevin R. McNally, Stellan Skarsgård, David Bailie, Jonathan Pryce, Keith Richards
Okay, okay, yes this movie sucked like a MoFu, but it was strangely satisfying. I don't know why. Maybe it because it was so fucking long (or maybe it was because I got to see Orlando Bloom get killed), but I felt like I got my $9.25's worth (thank God it was sold out at Dartmouth Saturday night - they charge $10.95. I'm not sure it was worth all that).
Anyway, I can't really remember too much of the plot of this movie. I forgot it pretty much as I was watching it. I'm not entirely sure there was a plot. I think what happened was that The Posse (Elizabeth, Will, Geoffrey Rush, Naomie Harris, the monkey, and their motley crew of pirates) go off looking for Jack (who died at the end of the last movie), and find him in the Land of the Dead or something. And then they bring him back and they have to fight the bad guys (Tentacleface and the dastardly... British Navy? Oh, wait, no. It was the East India Trading Company, wasn't it? I have no fucking idea anymore) and then spend the remaining two and a half hours betraying one another.
Keira Knightley betrays Orlando Bloom (or vice versa); Orlando and Captain Jack betray the pirates (separately); the pirates betray one another endlessly; the bad guys betray Captain Jack; Bill Nighy betrays Naomie Harris (I guess); Stellan Skarsgård betrays Orlando Bloom; and all the while Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush one-up each other (both in the context of the movie and outside of it).
Who wins? Well, Johnny gets numerous replicas of himself. Geoff has a pet monkey. I, personally, would go for the monkey rather than the Johnny Depps (one is quite enough), but some people would surely prefer extra Depp.
There was a lot of shit in there which I just sort of tuned out. It was boring and I have little to no recollection of it. There was an awful lot of ACTING on Keira and Orlando's parts, and a lot of unfunny jokes ("I once sailed with a man who lost both of his arms and one of his eyes" "What did you call him?" "Larry"). However, most of the cast (with the exclusion of Keira and Orlando) I am rather fond of. I like Keira sometimes, but not now I'm afraid.
A problem with this movie: There weren't enough monsters in it (I miss Kraken). Yes, there was a 50 foot woman who turns into a pile of crabs, but that made so little sense it can hardly count.
And it didn't really have an ending. It had more of an ending than the second one, true, but it still was particularly conclusive. They could surely make another one. Most of the characters are alive, and their stories could potentially go on. Pirates of the Caribbean and the Fountain of Youth, say.
Not everyone's story is wrapped up. Captain Jack and Geoffrey Rush could, potentially, continue one-upping each other indefinitely. Orlando Bloom could, potentially, sail the seas as Captain of the Flying Dutchman indefinitely. Keira Knightley, King of the Pirates, could go on pillaging and murdering people indefinitely (not really her style, I know, but hey, why not?). And I don't think that the Keith Richards/Johnny Depp relationship was taken as far as it could have been. Besides, Calypso is still out there (that was the 50 foot woman thing. I wasn't convinced that Calypso had that power - mind you, I'm always getting her and Circe confused, so I'm not entirely sure what she's capable of. What about Calisto? She was a character on Xena... I'm confused).
But anyway, if they do make a sequel to this movie, I doubt I'll actually go to see it unless they add someone totally irresistible to the cast. I don't know who that would be, but I'm sure they could think of someone. (EDIT: They did make another one and I did go to see it. Fuckers)
Special Bonus Who Ends Up Dead: James Norrington, Davy Jones, Elizabeth's Dad, Lord Beckett, Sao Feng, Singing Gallows
Pirates #1-9, Will Turner (temporarily).
For those of you who did not want this information, I have ruined your lives forever.