Bloodrayne

Bloodrayne (2005)

Directed by: Uwe Boll

Written by: Guinevere Turner

Starring: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Matt Davis, Ben Kingsley, Will Sanderson, Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Paré, Billy Zane, Meat Loaf, Geraldine Chaplin, Udo Kier

I often look a movie up before I watch it, just so I can have an idea of whether it sucks or not. I didn't look this one up. I knew very little about it before I watched it. Fuck me.

It's about a half vampire chick with incredible fighting powers or some bullshit who has to band together with team of fearless vampire killers in order to defeat her evil vampire father. Played by Ben Kingsley. Poor Ben. Along the way, she has to do a whole bunch of shit betraying the film's video game roots.

Again, I have never played the game Bloodrayne. I didn't know that such a thing existed. I only realized it while watching the opening credits. Imagine how disturbed I was.

Okay. My first big issue here - It's got Ben frigging Kingsley in it. And Geraldine frigging Chaplin. What the fuck was that all about? The cast of this movie was quite impressive. I have to wonder how that happened. I mean, Kristanna Loken was terrible (she played a robot pretty well - not as good as Arnold, mind you, but she was better in T3 than she was in this).

Of course, the quality of the actors is pretty much canceled out by the script. I honestly can't think of anything good to say about this movie. No redeeming qualities...

The plot was... well, I won't say non-existent. Stupid, maybe. Boring as hell. I didn't give a fuck and a half about anything, really. The script, as I said, sucked major ass. The costumes were all over the damn place. The movie didn't seem to be set in any specific time or place. I hated the main character's costume especially - I'm sorry, those black pants with the red around the crotch really bothered me some fundamental level.

The gore effects were pretty impressive. Creative, but they hardly made the movie. They were just mildly disgusting. There's a little bit at the end when the main character, Rayne or whatever the fuck her name was, has a flashback of all the gory stuff in the movie, played in slow motion (there were a lot of slow motion shots, and a lot of flashbacks - I guess they didn't have enough footage to make a whole movie, or something. I don't know). I'm not sure what the point of it was.

It was just generally embarrassing. I sort of spaced out in the middle, I'm not really sure what happened in there. I don't care. Words can't express my disgust. This was a bit of a waste of time. I can't even think of how they could have improved it. Smaller budget, maybe.

END.