Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider (2007)

Written and Directed by: Mark Steven Johnson, based on a comic created by Roy Thomas, Gary Friedrich and Mike Ploog

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Eva Mendes, Sam Elliott, Wes Bentley, Donal Logue, Peter Fonda, Laurence Breuls, Daniel Frederiksen, Matthew Wilkinson

Okay, so there's this guy, and he's really cool, he's a motorcycle guy, and he sells his soul to Mephistopheles, and then his skull goes on fire, and his bike is really cool and he drives around and stuff.

Right. And the plot has something to do with the son of Satan and this town where the old Ghost Rider didn't take the souls of the wicked because they were just too wicked and he needs them. Or something. Who cares, the guy's skull is frigging on fire! How fucking cool is that?

Ah sarcasm, how I love you. I was vaguely interested at the beginning of the movie - I find all that religious stuff fascinating. I'm a bit of a mythology nut. And then by the end I was pretty much catatonic. I don't know what the fuck was going on there.

It just seemed like some bad computer FX and Nicholas fucking Cage being Nicholas fucking Cage. And can I say video game tie in?

First of all, I'm not really into movies based on superhero comics, with a few exceptions. I like Blade. Spiderman is okay, Batman is reasonably inoffensive and I'm partial to X-Men for some inexplicable reason, but other than that, I'm really not into it.

And of all the superhero comic adaptations I've seen thus far, this is one of the shittiest. In fact, of all the movies in general I've seen thus far, this one ranks among the shittiest.

It was total bullshit, and I do not use that term lightly. I usually try to restrain myself a little bit, and I really want to say something nice about this movie, if only for karmic reasons, but I really, honestly can't. I kept getting up and leaving throughout because I really did not give two shits.

The plot doesn't make any sense. I can't even begin to imagine what the fuck was going on there. Something about souls, I guess. It really just felt like Constantine for the imaginatively stifled. Like a version of Constantine that wouldn't offend anyone - you know, Ghost Rider sold his soul to Satan, but he still stands for justice, and American values. Constantine for rednecks who like motorcycle racing (no offense to motorcycle loving rednecks - I love you, I really do, I just think this movie sucked ass).

But really, think about it. It's a sort of semi-religious fantasy type superhero movie. It uses Christian mythology as a starting off point for it's own twisted mythology. It's got Nicholas Cage instead of Keanu Reeves, but really, what's the difference? It's got Eva Mendes rather than Rachel Weiss (big difference). And Constantine is cool where as this movie is boring as all fucking hell.

It made me want to watch Constantine again. The art direction alone is so much more impressive. And Tilda Swinton makes a much more intimidating force of evil than whoever the hell was in this.

This movie just made me mad. I really want my time back. I imagine in fifteen years, I'll be lying on my deathbed, all alone in some shabby house going, "Fuck me, why did I watch Ghost Rider", and then I'll be dead. Great. Thanks a lot.

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