Saturday, July 21, 2007

Halloween 3

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Written and Directed by: Tommy Lee Wallace
Starring: Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, Dan O'Herlihy, Michael Currie, Ralph Strait, Jadeen Barbor, Bradley Schachter, Wendy Wessberg

So this is the Halloween movie which has nothing to do with Halloweens 1 or 2 (or indeed 4, 5, 6 et cetera). It is, of course, set at Halloween, which is about the only connection I can discern (and they watch Halloween on TV).

This movie is about a Halloween mask manufacturer who manufactures some Halloween masks which basically melt the faces off of whoever's wearing them. How? He uses chunks of one of the stones at Stonehenge. Why? Because he's running a big evil corporation. And he's a crazy fucking Irish pagan. That's hardly an acceptable reason, but apparently nobody else thought so.

That was the most bothersome thing about the movie (there were a lot of bothersome things about this movie, but that one bothered me more than anything). What the hell is the point? So you melt the faces off of a few people. Then what? It seemed like just a waste of time, really. The people who weren't wearing the masks wouldn't be effected. And because it only worked when the kids were watching a particular commercial (I forgot to mention that - there's a special TV commercial which triggers the face meltage), a lot of people wouldn't even be effected by it.

I guess the drama is supposed to be that the main character's kids are wearing the masks. Big fucking deal, that guy was a wanker. He didn't seem all that concerned about his children. He seemed much more worried about his girlfriend being a robot or whatever the deal was with that.

Oh yeah, there were these robots, too (why? Because nothing else was happening in the movie so they had to throw some killer robots in). They killed a whole bunch of people in really gruesome ways. One guy got his head ripped off, on one guy got his skull broken into pieces, and a woman got drilled in the head (I couldn't help but wonder why the robots would use a drill if they could rip a man's head off with their bare hands. It was just sort of unnecessary).

Anyway, I gather this didn't do terribly well at the box office, because they went right back to the Michael Myers plot afterwards, and stuck with it until the bitter end, I guess. If there is a bitter end. What with the new movie coming out (the remake or re-imagining or whatever the fuck they're calling it. What is a re-imagining? I guess it means they'll be writing a new script? Or just making it Rob Zombilicious? Who knows).

Yeah, this movie sucked serious ass. The acting was awful, and it made no sense in any context. The villain didn't seem to have any real motives. And it was agonizingly '80s. It was just stupid. I did like that Halloween commercial they had on there. I've been walking around singing it for a few days. It was obnoxious as hell, but it was pretty damn funny.

Happy happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, happy happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock...


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