The Wicker Man

The Wicker Man (1973)

Directed by: Robin Hardy

Written by: Anthony Shaffer, based on the novel Ritual by David Pinner

Starring: Edward Woodward, Britt Ekland, Diane Cilento, Lindsay Kemp, Christopher Lee, Irene Sunters

The original Wicker Man, which is ridiculously better than the Nicholas Cage version.

It has the same plot as the remake, essentially. A man goes to an island to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. When he gets there, he finds that everybody on the island belongs to some weird pagan cult. He, being an intolerant zealot-prick, goes around giving them a hard time about their religion. While investigating the girl's death.

The first big, important difference between this and the piece o' shite remake is that this one is set in Scotland and it full of British people. Sure, Ellen Burstyn and Ruth (I can't remember what that actresses name is at the moment...) are cool, but these little British people are cooler.

And it's not as... stupid. It is stupid, yes, but I'm sorry, an island belonging to a Californian cult of scary feminists who sacrifice people in this day and age isn't nearly as convincing as a Scottish island which has different religious beliefs than the rest of the country in the seventies. That didn't make a whole lot of sense, but dammit, it's true.

And Edward Woodward is better than Nicholas Cage. I can't stress that point more. Nicholas Cage is... a pile of fleshy dough, or something. I want to like him, I really do. I liked him in The Weather Man for some reason. But he's really, really repulsive. Edward Woodward is better (although the fact that his name is Edward Woodward hurts my brain a little bit. I have trouble saying his name. I usually say something that sounds like Edderd Wooderd).

Okay, the singing was a little alarming. Most of it didn't bother me too much - I mean, some guys singing in the bar, or Christopher Lee singing for no apparent reason (brief detour, what the fuck was wrong with that man's hair? He looked like seventies man come from seventies land. He sort of it, but I mean, usually he has the decency to slick it back or something, but in this is was all over the frigging place), but there's once scene where Britt Ekland does a naked butt-slapping dance, singing, around her room. It looks like some awful music video. And the music was really weird. That corn rigs song. Weird shit.

Anyway, I liked Christopher Lee in this movie (I like him in virtually any movie. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Broke my heart). He dressed in drag. And looked just like Cher. Woah.

Yeah, but the little clash between the super Christian psycho fuck and the pagan infidels wasn't really in the remake. At all. It wasn't even like there was a woman hater going to a feminist resort or whatever. That would have been offensive.

Of course the remake was a hell of a lot more offensive than this one anyway (speaking as not only a woman but also a dirty heathen). It's just better. In all possible ways.

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