Friday the 13th 5

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Directed by: Danny Steinmann

Written by: Danny Steinmann, Martin Kitrosser, David Cohen

Starring: Melanie Kinnaman, John Shepherd, Shavar Ross, Richard Young, Marco St. John, Juliette Cummins, Carol Locatell, Vernon Washington, Tiffany Helm, Caskey Swaim, Mark Venturini, Corey Feldman

Fifth part of the Friday the 13th saga, following The Final Chapter. I still can't get over that.

So in the last movie, he got killed by Mr. Feldman, and cremated, I guess, but now it seems that he is back to torment the grown-up Corey (played by some other guy, just to clarify) and the other sexy kids at the half-way home. I live near a sort of half-way home (we call it the Big Yellow House) and the people living there sure as shit don't look like that.

But things are not as they seem, blah blah blah, it's really another guy wearing the infamous hockey mask. Why the fuck the guy would pretend to be Jason? I don't know. Who the fuck cares?

Anyway, I didn't really watch this movie. I mean, it was on, but I was talking to my friend about Death Proof and the merits of Texas Chainsaw.

Still, I was picking up its crap rays with my crap detector. And yet again, I kept asking myself when are these fucking assholes going to die?

What is it about these movies and assholes? Why are the characters always assholes? Is it perhaps to make us feel better about ourselves? I'm not going to get killed, because I'm not that much of an asshole. I mean, they drink, do drugs, engage in premarital sex, act like dumbasses, spy on kids engaging in premarital sex, treat their girlfriends like shit, dress like greasers and, the worst sin of all, dance like fuckin honkies (because I am white, I probably shouldn't make fun of people who dance like that, but... well, they look like real dipshits).

Anyway, they die and I laugh. I'm not normally that insensitive... actually, I lied, I am. I guess it must have been shocking at some point, but it isn't very well filmed. It's cheap and displays a total lack of creative spark on the filmmakers part.

Interestingly, though, one of the actors in it was named something or other Voorhees. Debisue Voorhees.

But yeah, the end has the guy, the Corey Feldman guy, going nuts and donning the hockey mask, much like the end of Halloween 4. Oh God. Well anyway, I will press on, no matter how much it hurts... and to, you know, keep track of the body count. Har.

BODY COUNT: 20/65 (okay, two of those were in a dream, but God dammit, they count)
Best Death: One of the greasers gets a flare stuck in his mouth.
To Go: Six more. The next one is called Jason Lives, so... I guess he comes back to life

END