Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Reaping

The Reaping (2007)

Directed by: Stephen Hopkins
Written by: Carey W. Hayes & Chad Hayes
Starring: Hilary Swank, AnnaSophia Robb, David Morrissey, Idris Elba, William Ragsdale, John McConnell, Andrea Frankle, Stephen Rea

Okay, so there's this chick, a former minister or priest or whatever (I don't know how the church works. I was a dirty little heathen child), who lost her faith when her child and husband were killed in Africa, and lives to debunk 'miracles'. Then she goes out to some little town in Louisiana where the ten plagues of Egypt seems to be doing their thing again, and it all has to do with an evil little heathen girl living out in the bushes. Or does it?

Whatever. I found The Ten Commandments much more interesting, but then, Jewish people are cooler. And Charlton Heston was hot. MOSES! Yeah!

Anyway, this feels sort of like a Baptist (ew) version of The Omen with elements of The Exorcist, Rosemary's Baby and The Wicker Man thrown in there for extra points.

It just proves that nobody can make a religious horror movie like the Catholics (lapsed Catholics, even better). This movie just comes off as a lame-ass morality dealie. Don't kill your children and worship Satan and stuff or else God will do a thing. Or whatever.

Okay, so problem number one: the movie should have been more Catholic (I mean if you're going to have Stephen Rea... wait, is he Catholic? He was born in Belfast but he lives in Dublin... oh I'm so confused. Oh well, whatever, he's Irish. Even Protestants are more interesting when they're Irish). Or Jewish. Yeah, it could have been way more Jewish. You don't see that many Jewish horror flicks, but I bet they'd be good.

Problem number two: I fucking hate Hilary Swank. I mean, she's not even hot. She looks like a dude (to be fair, I look like a dude too, but... um... whatever). And she's really not that great. And I don't like the movies she's in. The only movie I've seen her in that I liked (well, I didn't like it, obviously) was Million Dollar Baby, and I didn't really like her in it.

Okay, 'fuckin hate' is a little on the strong side. I dislike Hilary Swank. But anyway. I did like that little girl, AnnaSophia Robb. She was... likable. I guess she was in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And Bridge to Terebithia, which I en't seen yet.

Anyway, this movie was pretty lame, and kinda boring. My homies and I broke it up by shouting "the REAPING!" at frequent intervals (that's a surprisingly fun thing to shout. Go ahead, try it. Right now. I dare you). Another question: why the shit was it called The Reaping? There wasn't a hell of a lot of reaping in the movie, even the not so scary kind (you know, reaping the corn or whatever). It's just a scary word. And hey, if you take the 'e' out, it's The Raping, which is really much more fun.


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