The Condemned

The Condemned (2007)

Directed by: Scott Wiper
Written by: Scott Wiper & Rob Hedden
Starring: Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Robert Mammone, Victoria Mussett, Madeleine West, Manu Bennett, Masa Yamaguchi, Rick Hoffman, Christopher Baker, Samantha Healy, Emelia Burns, Dasi Ruz, Marcus Johnson, Andy McPhee, Rai Fazio

Right-o. This movie was made by WWE. It shows. Steve Austin is a wrestler. That also shows. Man, that guy's neck is huge.

Ten prisoners from various third world prisons are purchased by an internet reality show, put on an island and told that the last person standing at the end of 30 hours will be set free.

That sounds like a really BAD IDEA to me, I'm sorry. Take ten ruthless, psychotic motherfuckers; murderers, rapists, arsonists, make them fight each other until only the baddest, evilest, craziest motherfucker remains, then release him into the world. Fuck.

Anyway, our hero, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ends up on the island, only he's not a psycho motherfucker, he's a government agent who ended up in a prison in El Salvador or somewhere after blowing up a drug lord. Or something. Whatever.

Needless to say, he wins and kicks the ass of the evil motherfucker what organized the whole thing.

I don't even need to go into why this movie is a stupid, offensive piece of American propaganda. It doesn't even really make sense really. It seems like it's making a statement about something, but I'm not really sure what it is. "Isn't it disgusting that people would watch this on the internet" doesn't work because people are watching the movie...

Well, anyway. It can easily be dismissed as just a stupid, stupid, stupid fucking action movie, but it's not really that interesting. I mean, it would be fine to root for one of the contestants, but none of them were really worth it.

Okay, I was rooting for the Mexicans, and then the Japanese guy (he was cool), but I knew they were going to get wasted so it wasn't really that interesting.

I was pretty much just waiting for them to get on with it. I already knew exactly what was going to happen in the movie after about three minutes, I was just waiting for them to actually DO it.

The violence wasn't even that great. I couldn't see half of it. If I'm going to watch a movie about a bunch of guys hitting and torturing each other, I don't want any of that handheld stuff. I can't SEE it. Of course, I could just go watch WWE. But that's not going to happen.

END COMMUNICATION