Sunday, January 20, 2008


Hellraiser (1987)

Written and Directed by:
Clive Barker, based on his novel The Hellbound Heart
Starring: Clare Higgins, Ashley Laurence, Andrew Robinson, Oliver Smith, Doug Bradley, Nicholas Vince, Simon Bamford, Grace Kirby, Robert Hines, Sean Chapman, Frank Baker

Okay. Iconic '80s horror picture about the Rubik's Cube from Hell. When you open it (it's the kind of Rubik's Cube you can open), SM guys come to your house and get their freak on. Cool! Then they rip you up with hooks. That's not so great.

And then there's this woman with the skinless, reanimated corpse of her lover (who's also her husband's brother, right? That's just SICK!) in her attic, feeding him business men she picks up in bars. Because, apparently, she's really hot. I found her scarier looking than that Pinhead guy, but that's just me.

Right. I kind of have some problems with this movie. Granted, it is pretty weird and gory and more interesting than Friday the Thirteenth Part x. But... it was really dumb.

The SM guys, the cenobites (hey, my computer doesn't want to spellcheck that word. It does, however, want to spellcheck the word 'spellcheck') don't really do a very good job. They seem to like standing around looking goth and talking about shit a lot more than actually doing whatever the hell it is that they do.

Skinless corpse guy and '80s woman are much more efficient. They kill, like, four people. SM guys only really manage to get one.

Another problem I was having: 'Pinhead' (they don't actually call him that (or anything, really) in this movie, but I'm familiar enough with pop-culture to know what to call him) is what you call a baby cricket. I have cricket-eating animals, I know this.

Oh yeah, and there was cricket eating man. I forgot about him. He was like, the devil or something. I dunno. What was up with that?

Whatever. The SM guys were pretty hardcore, I've got to give them that. Anyway, the movie was kind of amusing. It was kind of like Nightmare on Elm Street only I don't think it was supposed to be funny. My friend, Mr. Red, thought it would be funnier if the cenobites had German accents. She's right. It would be.


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