Sunday, January 20, 2008

Shoot Em Up

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

Written and Directed by: Michael Davis
Starring: Clive Owen, Monica Bellucci, Paul Giamatti, Stephen McHattie, Greg Bryk, Daniel Pilon, Ramona Pringle

Okay, so there's this guy and he's, like, the ultimate badass (not as badass as Anton Chigurh, so not actually the ultimate badass). And there's this pregnant woman, and these guys are trying to kill her, so he comes to her rescue and delivers her baby in the middle of a shoot out, but she gets killed. So then he's got this baby and then he goes and recruits the help of this hooker...

And all these dudes want to get the baby and stuff. As it turns out, the kid is, like, a clone of some US senator or something who needs a bone marrow transplant in order to not die, but he really wants to impose stronger gun laws and the gun people want to kill the baby so he'll die and that.

Yes, it was the stupidest fucking movie. Ever. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration. Still. Paul Giamatti plays a really obnoxious hitman. I usually like Paul Giamatti, but I did not like him in this.

Sometimes it sort of seemed like it was against guns, they kept saying stuff about how guns are bad for you and stuff like that, but it glorifies them at the same time. Oh, so confusing.

The writing was really, really, painfully bad. It was actually kind of like a James Bond movie, only I guess this guy is more badass than James Bond. I really do like Clive Owen, I don't care what he does, but he was about the only thing I liked in this movie.

What else? The whole thing was sort of a long tribute to Bugs Bunny, too. All that stuff with the carrots. What the hell was that? Phallic symbol? Hmmm...

The guy manages to shoot the shit out of tons of guys while delivering a baby; sky diving; falling down a stairwell and fucking Mary Magdalene. He also kills a few people with carrots.

I could go on, but I'd really rather not. It was a stupid, stupid movie. I kept thinking "This could be a western and it might actually be cool". It's the same plot as a Western. Clive Owen would be cool in a Western, if he hasn't already done one.

I also wondered where the hell was Charlton Heston.


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