Jason X (2001)
Directed by: James Isaac
Written by: Todd Farmer
Starring: Kane Hodder, Lexa Doig, Chuck Campbell, Lisa Ryder, Peter Mensah, Melyssa Ade, Derwin Jordan, Jonathan Potts, Dov Tiefenbach, David Cronenberg
My library (and source of movies) seems to have every Friday the 13th movie except part 9, Jason Goes to Hell. I figured, hey, fuck it, I'll just skip ahead to Jason X and watch part 9 when I can get a hold of it.
In this one, Jason gets captured by the government and cryogenically frozen for 400 years. He is woken up by a bunch of randy teenagers on board a space ship (I guess) and starts killing people like it's 2455.
Great. The movies in this series were pretty stupid, I must say, but this one really goes above and beyond the call of stupidity. It was just... SO bad I couldn't believe it.
I -- I can't even make fun of it. There are no words to describe how much this movie sucked.
At least they didn't have those stupid electric scalpels like they had in Sunshine. You know, if a regular scalpel works, a moving one must work so much better. It worked with turkey carvers. Who came up with that?
Ugh. I didn't like this future world. It was like an episode of Star Trek only not half as interesting, and they didn't have those cool colour-coded body suits to determine who dies first (red shirts always die first, unless it's Scottie or Uhura. Ah, Star Trek). Which leads me to my usual statement. Forty five minutes into every stupid sci fi movie, I make sure to remind myself "if this was an episode of Doctor Who, it would be over by now". Unless it was a two parter. Or it involved Daleks (the Daleks will never be defeated - this seems to frustrate some people for some reason. You can't defeat the Daleks, they're classic. It'd be like defeating the Klingons or the Romulans or whoever).
There were a few amusing moments (when they get Jason on the halodeck... that tickled me. It was a pretty good description of the entire series). Other than that, though...
It was sufficiently gory throughout, although I was driven to eat biscuits through the whole thing. That happens sometimes when I watch really dull movies. I get the munchies. It was really just exactly like Alien (why wasn't Alien in this movie? Who knows...).
Well, whatever. This movie sucked big time. But now I feel strangely liberated. I can move on to Freddy vs. Jason. I really miss Freddy.
Body Count: A whopping 23 if my tallying is correct, putting the total at 140 so far.
Request Death: Hmm... the girl getting sucked out the hole in the hull was good, although much more disgusting in Alien: Resurrection.
How They Kill Him: N/A. Woo, he's still out there. In the future...