Thursday, May 29, 2008


Virus (1999)

Directed by: John Bruno
Written by: Dennis Feldman and Chuck Pfarrer, based on the comic by Chuck Pfarrer
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, William Baldwin, Donald Sutherland, Joanna Pacula, Marshall Bell, Sherman Augustus, Cliff Curtis, Julio Oscar Menchoso

Okay, watched this last week so I don't really remember all the little tiny details, not that they really matter all that much.

About a bunch of people (I think they were pirates or something) who come across an abandoned Russian vessel floating in the eye of a hurricane. They hop aboard with the intentions of turning it in for a salvage fee. Little do they know, the ship has been infiltrated by space robots who want to chop them up and use their bits to make mandroids (talk about human-cyborg relations! BWAHAHAHAHA!).

So it's basically Aliens but instead of flesh ripping space critters, it's flesh ripping space Terminators. Groovy. I guess the movie had some potential to be cool but... it failed. Kind of a lot.

The problem wasn't that the movie was stupid. That is easily forgiven. It was more that the movie was altogether too serious.

And it was unbelievably cheesy. Not good cheesy. Lame cheesy. Wouldn't it be cool if we did this cheesy. No, it wouldn't be cool. Wouldn't be cool at all.

The biggest irk of all is that Donald Sutherland was in it (yeah, so was Jamie Lee Curtis, but... Donald Sutherland. Come on). He looked like he really didn't want to be there at all.

I really like Donald Sutherland a lot. He's from Here, so when he got his head stuck on a robot and he was walking around with that stupid hat going, 'woo, I'm a killer robot', I was all like, 'town pride!'.

Yeah, that was almost enough to make me cry. The whole movie made me want to curl up under the deck and die. Actually, I'm exaggerating. It didn't really provoke that much in me except a mild feeling of disgust and pity.

I wasn't even rooting for the robots. They weren't that cool. They were kind of annoying. I was hoping some giant foot was going to come down and stomp everybody. Put them out of their misery. Poor buggers.


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