Tuesday, September 16, 2008

In the Name of the King

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Rating: NO

This film was such a grueling, soul crushing experience that not even making fun of it holds any light for me. About fifteen minutes in, I asked myself and my loved ones, "who is responsible for this piece of shit?". Uwe Boll. Naturally. I don't want to hate Uwe Boll. I would happily be the one person in the world who thinks he's an unappreciated genius. But it's just not possible.

This particular waste of time, energy and money concerns a humble farmer named Farmer (honest to God! His wife fucking calls him that) who ekes out a living growing mud or something. When evil 'Krugs' invade his village, killing Son (Colin Ford) and kidnapping Mrs. Farmer (Claire Forlani), he goes on a vengeance fueled rampage across the countryside or some damn thing.

Turns out the orcs are being controlled by an evil wizard (Ray Liotta - ew) who wishes to usurp the noble old king (Burt Reynolds)... or something. There is also a princess who rides around dressed as a man despite her father's orders (Leelee Sobieski), an environmentally conscious elf-babe living in the enchanted forest (Kristanna Loken of Blood Rayne and Terminator 3 fame) and a wise, helpful old wizard (John Rhys Davies). All that's missing is the talking trees.

To say this film is a blatant rip off of Lord of the Rings (with inferior FX) would be stating the obvious. What is really worrisome is that it's based on a video game which is a blatant rip off of Lord of the Rings but which apparently made enough money that they could justify adapting it into a film.

It saddens me that poor sods such as myself would waste two hours and seven minutes of their life watching this movie. It saddens me that decent (or, if not decent, at least likable) actors such as Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard, John Rhys Davies and Ron Perlman wasted probably weeks of their time making this movie.

It saddens me that, despite the otherwise solid cast, they could not find one person to play the Saruman role and had to cast Ray Liotta, with his obnoxious American accent which stood out something terrible.

It saddens me that, though the film is subtitled A Dungeon Siege Tale, no dungeons are besieged in the course of the tale.

But what saddens me the most is that this movie was not made in New Zealand, nor the Ukraine, nor Slovenia, nor any other country. This movie was made in British Columbia, and got funding from the Government of Canada. That's right, our fucking tax dollars went into this steaming pile of fucking shit. That saddens me more than a truck full of sad ass puppies being driven to the slaughterhouse. That is a fucking travesty.



Directed by: Uwe Boll. Written by: Doug Taylor based on the video game Dungeon Siege created by Chris Taylor. Starring: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Leelee Sobieski, John-Rhys Davies, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Matthew Lillard, Brian White, Kristanna Loken, Burt Reynolds.

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