Plan 9

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

Ranking: Fuck Yeah
Extremely Trashy

Okay okay okay. I know there's nothing to really say about this movie which hasn't been said already... but... well... I liked it.

The plot involves an old man (Bela Lugosi) grieving over his dead wife (Vampira I guess?). Then he dies. Then some UFOs show up and aliens start bringing people back from the dead for some reason. Kind of like Half Life.

Yeah, this movie was kind of lousy, but it was way better than Bride of the Monster, the Friday the 13th series, Across the Universe or anything directed by Uwe Boll. And it has a good message, I guess. The aliens come to earth and start resurrecting corpses because they want to show us that we are a bunch of violent savages. How do the people of Earth retaliate? By denying it, and then burning the alien ships. Real mature there...

Despite the general crapiness of the movie, it really does try very hard and has a certain childlike innocence, as well as one or two very well done scenes. Some of the stuff with Lugosi right at the beginning is actually touching in a weird way. He's kinda good in the eighty seconds he's in the movie. Although maybe that's just compared to the other actors, if you rally can call them actors.

There's also one scene in which Tor Johnson (who played Lobo in Bride of the Monster and got way too much dialogue in this movie) rises from the grave and walks around with his dead fish eyes. It's pretty fucking creepy.

So if it weren't for everything else in the movie, it might have been kind of good. Ah well, it's heart was in the right place at least.

Still, I'd take a good H.G. Lewis movie any day...

END

Written and Directed by: Ed Wood. Starring: Gregory Walcott, Mona McKinnon, Duke Moore, Tom Keene, Tor Johnson, John Breckinridge, Lyle Talbot, Vampira, Tom Mason, Bela Lugosi

Mr. Brooks

Mr. Brooks (2007)

Rating: No
Moderately Trashy

'Smart' serial killer movie about a successful business man (Kevin Costner) with a psychopathic alter ego (William Hurt. Of course.) who makes him murder people. When one of his murders is photographed by a peeping tom (Dane Cook), Mr. Brooks is blackmailed into teaching him how to kill people or whatever. Meanwhile, he suspects that his daughter (Danielle Panabaker) may also be a serial killer. Meanwhile he is being tracked by recent divorcee Demi Moore who is in turn being stalked by another recently escaped serial killer she helped put away years earlier.

Individually, any one of these plot elements may have made an interesting movie. Putting all three together just detracts from the significance of each.

Although the fact that the movie was sleazy, completely full of shit and had the feel of something made for television (okay, it was a little better than Someone's Watching Me!) didn't really help either. I mean, honest to God. Demi Moore was the best they could do? Where the hell's Naomi Watts when you need her? (I love Naomi Watts)

This movie was dumb, and it was just an inferior rehash of all those serial killer movies for smart people. And I know, I know, I watched all of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, but they were way more intelligently written than this. This just tried way harder.

I still think this movie could have been half good if it wasn't so pulpy and vulgar. No taste whatsoever. Also, it could have had better characters.

And holy crap is Kevin Costner old. Just had to throw that in. I always had sort of mixed feelings about Kevin Costner. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him. Really, though, what the fuck was he doing in this movie? Taking shit from friggin William Hurt, apparently.

Ech. This flick is definitely not worth the two hours I spent watching it. It wasn't even fun to whine about.


END

Directed by: Bruce A. Evans. Written by: Bruce A. Evans & Raynold Gideon. Starring: Kevin Costner, Demi Moore, Dane Cook, William Hurt, Marg Helgenberger, Danielle Panabaker.