Saturday, January 10, 2009

10'000 BC

10,000 B.C. (2008)

Ranking: FUCK

What can I say about this movie? Honestly. It may have been the worst movie I saw in 2008 (other candidates: In the Name of the King, Hills Have Eyes 2, Quintet, Virus, Alien Versus Predator: Requiem, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4, The Condemned... actually, I think this film is worse than all of those movies).

It’s about... fuck, I don’t even remember what it’s about. I think it might have been sort of like Apocalypto but even stupider. There’s like some fucking jackass (Steven Strait) trying to save his fucking jackass girlfriend (Camilla Belle) from some other fucking jackass (Ben Badra). And they all speak fucking English. Heavily accented, of course (what accent is that, exactly?), but still English. Except they call Mammoths ‘Mammocks’ or something weird like that. WTF?

Jesus. I cannot actually articulate how stupid this movie was. There are no words in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of man to describe how violently this movie sucked.

And don’t be fooled! Many times I have read bad reviews of a film and thought to myself ‘well, a movie that bad has got to be fun’. The allure of the Bad Movie is irresistible. Trust me, you will not be any better for having watched this. It’s sort of akin to having your soul sucked out of your body for three hours. And the movie isn’t even three hours long.

To be honest, I didn’t sit through the whole thing. I got up to check my e-mail, see if the guy who played Tic-Tic was in fact in Sunshine (turns out he was also in Die Hard 4, Whale Rider and Virus among other things), and play a couple games of Desktop Tower Defense in the hopes that, with any luck, the damn thing would be over when I got back. It wasn’t.

Now, simply saying a movie sucks (using as many expletives as possible) isn’t really fair to the movie, nor is it helpful. But the reasons why this movie sucked are many. First of all, the CG FX, which the film relied on more heavily than script and acting, definitely were not good enough to carry the film. They were alright for, like, 2002, but were really not up to par with the vastly superior stuff that’s out there.

As I have mentioned, the script and acting were, unfortunately, not nearly as important as the FX and were for the most part of lower calibre. The characters weren’t even two dimensional, and the plot was basically nonexistent (yes, I know, it’s a basic boy goes on quest to rescue girl movie, but there was all that other shit in there which just muddled everything up).

The movie wasn’t even nice to look at. The art direction wasn’t all that great, and didn’t do a great job of taking my mind off how crappy everything else was (which is, of course, the point of art direction...)

The ending was perhaps the worst ending I have ever seen in a movie - the girl that jackass has been chasing throughout the whole movie gets killed, but the old wise woman back at the village senses it and just fucking dies so that the girl can come back to life. What the fuck!? There was no other supernatural shit at all in the movie and then boom, this fucking crap can happen. God damn it.

Anyway, I had no idea a movie could suck so much. I gather this was made by the same asshole who did Independence Day, which looks like a fucking masterpiece in comparison. (Roland Emmerich is also responsible for The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, the remake of Godzilla with Matthew Broderick and Stargate. If only I had known that before trying to watch this piece of crap...)

Yep, this movie pretty much made me want to die.


Directed by: Roland Emmerich. Written by: Roland Emmerich and Harald Kloser. Starring: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis, Joel Virgel, Ben Badra, Mona Hammond. Narrated by Omar Sharif.

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