Friday, January 16, 2009


Cujo (1983)
Ranking: No
Extremely Trashy

This Halloween, I spent all day alternately sitting on my ass eating candy and watching movies and cleaning my kitchen. Cujo was the penultimate film in my watching spree, followed by The Exorcist.

This is, of course, that one where the beloved family pet (a sweet old Saint Bernard - what could be more innocent than a Saint Bernard? All they do is sleep, much like myself) gets bitten by a rabid bat or something and then goes totally ape shit and kills a bunch of people. Actually, I think he only kills, like, two or three guys, although he does bite Dee Wallace.

Whatever. Bring it on, canine scum. I think I could waste a dog if I had to. I read about this technique you can use to, like, rip them in half (I'm not entirely sure how it works, and I think you have to be kind of strong to do it, but what the hell).

Anyway, this movie sucked. Most of it was just Dee Wallace trapped in her stalled car with her slightly obnoxious, but surprisingly adorable kid (Danny Pintauro - I looked him up on IMDb and he's kind of scary looking now).

I actually spent a goodly portion of the movie reading about rabies on Wikipedia and what it does to dogs and people and it looks to me like Dee Wallace is fucked. Rabies is hard fucking core. Even if it doesn't kill you, it'll give you permanent brain damage. There's only, like, one recorded case of a person surviving without the brain damage. That is seriously fucked up. It also does some nasty shit to dogs, so if your dog ever gets the rabies, it's way more humane to shoot it.

Moving on, the best part of the movie was when Cujo wasted this cop and my friend started talking about whether or not she could train her dog to do the same.

((Disclaimer: I am totally down with the cops and do not support training your dog to kill them.))

Yeah, this movie was pretty boring. Although, it's actually not the worst movie based on a Stephen King book I've ever seen. That's an honour which would probably have to go to, like, Firestarter or The Tommyknockers or some other shitty movie. Children of the Corn and Secret Window are other contenders. I actually kind of secretly liked Children of the Corn - I mean, it had Sarah Connor in it and all - but I'm willing to admit it was a terrible movie.

This movie was also terrible.


Directed by: Lewis Teague. Written by: Don Carlos Dunaway and Lauren Currier, based on the book by Stephen King. Starring: Dee Wallace, Danny Pintauro, Daniel Hugh-Kelly and a dog. I was trying to figure out what the dog's name was all I could come up with was that it was voiced by Frank Welker, AKA Megatron

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