13 Ghosts (1960)
[Meh]
Extremely Trashy
Disturbingly cheerful family inherits house inhabited by twelve ghosts. That's basically the whole plot of the movie. Throw on top of that the dour housekeeper who may be a witch (Margaret Hamilton), the sleazy man in a suit who may be a kid toucher (Martin Miller) a large sum of money hidden somewhere inside the house and magic goggles and you have macaroni salad.
The entertainment value in this movie comes from wondering if it's actually going anywhere. There isn't much in the way of plot - stuff just happens seemingly at random and doesn't really mean anything. The whole thing was vaguely dull and pointless, although it was sort of more interesting than the remake, although much less bloody. I seem to remember a guy getting cut in half or somehting in that one... and F. Murray Abraham...
Anyway, the flick was silly enough to be watchable, and the characters were interestingly bizarre. I mean, they were just so fucking jolly about everything. From the very start when they, like, get evicted from their apartment or whatever, they're all just like, "Oh well, these things happen. Ha ha"
The little boy (Charles Herbert) is a total space cadet who doesn't even notice that captain sleazebag is trying to molest him (it was fuckin going to happen, I know it...). And no wonder with parents like his. Mom and dad are informed at the beginning of the movie that the house is haunted (the real estate people wanted to get it out in the open to avoid being sued), and they seem really very calm about the whole thing.
Even when the ghosts start showing up and threatening people, they're pretty fuckin mellow. I mean, I probably would be too - the ghosts are fairly nonlethal - but still. They don't even realize that captain sleazeball is really evil. Honest to God. How much valium do these people take?
Ah well. This movie was funny. Kids would probably enjoy it.
END
Directed by: William Castle. Written by: Robb White. Starring: Donald Woods, Rosemary De Camp, Martin Miller, Margaret Hamilton, Charles Herbert, Jo Morrow.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Count Yorga, Vampire
Count Yorga, Vampire (1970)
AKA The Loves of Count Iorga
[Meh]
Trash-o-rama
I always thought that this movie is called Count Yorba but I'm probably getting it confused with 'Hotel Yorba'. These things happened.
The titular count (Robert Quarry) moves from Bulgaria (I think) to Los Angeles and begins secuding attractive young women. The fiance of one of the young women must team up with the Van Helsing character (Roger Perry) to kick Count Yorba's ass all the way back to Europe. Or whatever.
This was a decent, if somewhat generic, adaptation of the Dracula story. It was mildly entertaining and had enough cliches to keep me occupied. Robert Quarry was alright. He was sort of good looking, with a bit of a Christopher Lee thing going on which is always good, although he didn't have an especially nice voice.
And there were plenty of hot chicks, so, you know, that's great. Also, the really weird looking henchman who shuffles around and then seems to disappear for great lengths of time when he is not necessary to the plot, only returning to attack and rape (?) the Count's special lady. What an asshole.
Anyway, there wasn't anything particularly special about this movie. It had a few nice shots and I actually paid attention to it (unlike Scream Blacula Scream, which was directed by the same dude). But generally it didn't stand out a whole lot. I mean, if you're going to watch a movie about an old timey vampire who gets brought to L.A. in the '70s, you might as well go for Blacula.
Blacula is just so funny and outrageous. Also, William Marshall is better looking than Robert Quarry and he has a way nicer voice. It's sort of done better too. Clearly, it are the best.
This movie was alright though and if you're really into vampire flicks it's worth watching. Also, one of the characters drives a red VW Microbus which is amusing in and of itself. Everytime I saw it I had to say, "so we loaded our shovels and rakes and other implements of destruction into the back of the red VW Microbus and went to drop off the garbage"
Yeah, that was sort of the best part of the movie, actually...
END
Written and Directed by: Bob Kelljan. Starring: Robert Quarry, Roger Perry, Michael Macready, Michael Murphy, Donna Anders, Judith Lang, Edward Walsh.
AKA The Loves of Count Iorga
[Meh]
Trash-o-rama
I always thought that this movie is called Count Yorba but I'm probably getting it confused with 'Hotel Yorba'. These things happened.
The titular count (Robert Quarry) moves from Bulgaria (I think) to Los Angeles and begins secuding attractive young women. The fiance of one of the young women must team up with the Van Helsing character (Roger Perry) to kick Count Yorba's ass all the way back to Europe. Or whatever.
This was a decent, if somewhat generic, adaptation of the Dracula story. It was mildly entertaining and had enough cliches to keep me occupied. Robert Quarry was alright. He was sort of good looking, with a bit of a Christopher Lee thing going on which is always good, although he didn't have an especially nice voice.
And there were plenty of hot chicks, so, you know, that's great. Also, the really weird looking henchman who shuffles around and then seems to disappear for great lengths of time when he is not necessary to the plot, only returning to attack and rape (?) the Count's special lady. What an asshole.
Anyway, there wasn't anything particularly special about this movie. It had a few nice shots and I actually paid attention to it (unlike Scream Blacula Scream, which was directed by the same dude). But generally it didn't stand out a whole lot. I mean, if you're going to watch a movie about an old timey vampire who gets brought to L.A. in the '70s, you might as well go for Blacula.
Blacula is just so funny and outrageous. Also, William Marshall is better looking than Robert Quarry and he has a way nicer voice. It's sort of done better too. Clearly, it are the best.
This movie was alright though and if you're really into vampire flicks it's worth watching. Also, one of the characters drives a red VW Microbus which is amusing in and of itself. Everytime I saw it I had to say, "so we loaded our shovels and rakes and other implements of destruction into the back of the red VW Microbus and went to drop off the garbage"
Yeah, that was sort of the best part of the movie, actually...
END
Written and Directed by: Bob Kelljan. Starring: Robert Quarry, Roger Perry, Michael Macready, Michael Murphy, Donna Anders, Judith Lang, Edward Walsh.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Transporter 3
Transporter 3 (2008)
[Meh]
Extremely Trashy
Despite the fact that I have not seen the other two Transporter flicks, I figured the intricacies of the plotline probably weren't so subtle that I couldn't follow them and went straight ahead with this movie.
In it, Driver (the Stath) is forced into driving around Europe for days by some environment polluting asshole (Robert Knepper) who is blackmailing some dude (Jeroen Krabbé) into doing something to do with toxic waste. And then there's this Ukrainian chick (Natalya Rudakova) who I think is the daughter of the guy the toxic waste guy is blackmailing or something. Anyway, he has to transport her from wherever to wherever else.
Yes, the intricacies of the plot... I just had a hard time figuring out why anybody did what they did in this movie (another one of those). People just kept running around and doing shit and for the life of me I couldn't tell why. It was just, like, pointless frenetic action for about two hours.
We get to see lots of Jason Statham's muscular chest, which is a plus, although I'm starting to get kind of tired of him. I used to really like him as he's sort of charismatic what with his fuzzy head and all, but I dunno, after, like, Death Race and In the Name of the King and Revolver and just trailers for Crank he's starting to annoy me. He should really pick better roles, I swear to God.
Anyway, this movie had a shitload of cool action scenes, the girl was sort of hot and the villain was okay, but generally, it was kind of lame. I don't know. Just the whole thing that the evil guy was, like, polluting the environment. And ready to kill an assload of people to be allowed to do it. I know it's an important issue or whatever, but it just seemed so... petty.
Yeah, it was all just kinda ridiculous anyway. Whatever. Mindless entertainment value, possibly.
END
Directed by: Olivier Megaton. Written by: Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen. Starring: Jason Statham, Natalya Rudakova, François Berléand, Robert Knepper, Jeroen Krabbé.
[Meh]
Extremely Trashy
Despite the fact that I have not seen the other two Transporter flicks, I figured the intricacies of the plotline probably weren't so subtle that I couldn't follow them and went straight ahead with this movie.
In it, Driver (the Stath) is forced into driving around Europe for days by some environment polluting asshole (Robert Knepper) who is blackmailing some dude (Jeroen Krabbé) into doing something to do with toxic waste. And then there's this Ukrainian chick (Natalya Rudakova) who I think is the daughter of the guy the toxic waste guy is blackmailing or something. Anyway, he has to transport her from wherever to wherever else.
Yes, the intricacies of the plot... I just had a hard time figuring out why anybody did what they did in this movie (another one of those). People just kept running around and doing shit and for the life of me I couldn't tell why. It was just, like, pointless frenetic action for about two hours.
We get to see lots of Jason Statham's muscular chest, which is a plus, although I'm starting to get kind of tired of him. I used to really like him as he's sort of charismatic what with his fuzzy head and all, but I dunno, after, like, Death Race and In the Name of the King and Revolver and just trailers for Crank he's starting to annoy me. He should really pick better roles, I swear to God.
Anyway, this movie had a shitload of cool action scenes, the girl was sort of hot and the villain was okay, but generally, it was kind of lame. I don't know. Just the whole thing that the evil guy was, like, polluting the environment. And ready to kill an assload of people to be allowed to do it. I know it's an important issue or whatever, but it just seemed so... petty.
Yeah, it was all just kinda ridiculous anyway. Whatever. Mindless entertainment value, possibly.
END
Directed by: Olivier Megaton. Written by: Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen. Starring: Jason Statham, Natalya Rudakova, François Berléand, Robert Knepper, Jeroen Krabbé.
Scream Blacula Scream
Scream Blacula Scream (1973)
[Whut]
Trash-o-rama
Amusingly titled sequel to Blacula has our tormented hero (William Marshall) being resurrected by some voodude and then... um... doing a bunch of stuff...
Honestly, I didn't actually watch this movie, really. I looked over every couple of minutes and said, "Hey, Pam Grier", but throughout almost the entire movie, Mr. Blue and I discussed the plot holes and logic gaps in Quarantine and the Terminator movies.
For example, in Quarantine, the camera crew, firemen and one police officer enter the building about ten minutes before the dudes on the outside quarantine the building. So: if the people knew they were going to quarantine the building in approximately ten minutes, why the fuck did they let a bunch of firemen and a camera crew go in there? It makes no sense. Unless of course they just didn't like those guys.
And what the fuck was that thing in the basement supposed to be anyway? I mean, really. The movie sort of made sense up until that point (although was sort of boring and pointless). Yes, that thing did add some spice to the movie, but what the fuck! It totally came out of nowhere in the last, like, ten minutes. Jeezus.
The Terminator movies are the subject of a lot of discussion in my house, always have been, and I've probably seen them at least six hundred times, at the very minimum. The last time I watched T2 though (about a week ago), Mr. Red pointed out a weird quirk in there that I hadn't ever really noticed before.
In the scene where John Connor calls his foster parents from a phone booth, we see Jenette Goldstein in the kitchen chopping vegetables and making dinner. Xander Berkeley comes down and starts bugging her and then bam, she sticks a knife or stabbing weapon in his head revealing that she is actually the T1000 (oh no!).
The question is: if it's really the T1000, it's presumably already killed Jenette Goldstein and is planning to kill Xander Berkeley, why the fuck does it bother making dinner? After Mr. Red raised this question, it has been plaguing my mind. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I mean, it would sort of make a little bit of sense if say the T1000 was going to be really subtle, disguise itself as the mom and wait for John, except that throughout the movie the T1000 has been ridiculously unsubtle, seemingly doing everything in its power to be conspicuous. Like, if it knew that John had previous run ins with the law (which it gained from accessing the computer in that cop's car or whatever), why would it disguise itself as a cop? Honestly.
T3 has so much illogical shit that I can't even begin to start writing it here. Suffice it to say, Terminators are surprisingly ineffective. The whole thing makes me wonder how exactly the machines won.
Well now, this review was a little off topic...
END
Directed by: Bob Kelljan. Written by: Maurice Jules, Raymond Koenig & Joan Torres. Starring: William Marshall, Pam Grier, Don Mitchell, Michael Conrad.
[Whut]
Trash-o-rama
Amusingly titled sequel to Blacula has our tormented hero (William Marshall) being resurrected by some voodude and then... um... doing a bunch of stuff...
Honestly, I didn't actually watch this movie, really. I looked over every couple of minutes and said, "Hey, Pam Grier", but throughout almost the entire movie, Mr. Blue and I discussed the plot holes and logic gaps in Quarantine and the Terminator movies.
For example, in Quarantine, the camera crew, firemen and one police officer enter the building about ten minutes before the dudes on the outside quarantine the building. So: if the people knew they were going to quarantine the building in approximately ten minutes, why the fuck did they let a bunch of firemen and a camera crew go in there? It makes no sense. Unless of course they just didn't like those guys.
And what the fuck was that thing in the basement supposed to be anyway? I mean, really. The movie sort of made sense up until that point (although was sort of boring and pointless). Yes, that thing did add some spice to the movie, but what the fuck! It totally came out of nowhere in the last, like, ten minutes. Jeezus.
The Terminator movies are the subject of a lot of discussion in my house, always have been, and I've probably seen them at least six hundred times, at the very minimum. The last time I watched T2 though (about a week ago), Mr. Red pointed out a weird quirk in there that I hadn't ever really noticed before.
In the scene where John Connor calls his foster parents from a phone booth, we see Jenette Goldstein in the kitchen chopping vegetables and making dinner. Xander Berkeley comes down and starts bugging her and then bam, she sticks a knife or stabbing weapon in his head revealing that she is actually the T1000 (oh no!).
The question is: if it's really the T1000, it's presumably already killed Jenette Goldstein and is planning to kill Xander Berkeley, why the fuck does it bother making dinner? After Mr. Red raised this question, it has been plaguing my mind. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I mean, it would sort of make a little bit of sense if say the T1000 was going to be really subtle, disguise itself as the mom and wait for John, except that throughout the movie the T1000 has been ridiculously unsubtle, seemingly doing everything in its power to be conspicuous. Like, if it knew that John had previous run ins with the law (which it gained from accessing the computer in that cop's car or whatever), why would it disguise itself as a cop? Honestly.
T3 has so much illogical shit that I can't even begin to start writing it here. Suffice it to say, Terminators are surprisingly ineffective. The whole thing makes me wonder how exactly the machines won.
Well now, this review was a little off topic...
END
Directed by: Bob Kelljan. Written by: Maurice Jules, Raymond Koenig & Joan Torres. Starring: William Marshall, Pam Grier, Don Mitchell, Michael Conrad.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Quarantine
Quarantine (2008)
[Not Really]
Moderately Trashy
Remake of the Spanish flick [Rec] which my friend saw a little while back and told me was really fucked up and scary and which I really want to see (despite the fact that she and I don't really share taste in movies most of the time).
First person horror about a bunch of people who get quarantined inside of their apartment building with a bunch of zombies. Oh, sorry, they're not really zombies, they're just infected with some sort of crazy whack ass strain of rabies (invented by Satanists? Did I get that right?), a la 28 Days Later... only it makes even less sense if such a thing is possible.
They didn't really do anything that innovative with the first-person-horror genre, following the conventions established by other films in the genre (such as how everybody has to get killed (maybe). As usual, we never see any rock solid proof of the characters death or survival but it's safe to assume they died).
Unlike, say, The Blair Witch Project, this movie didn't really create characters which I actually cared about, despite a long boring opening sequence which was supposed to help build emotional attachment I guess. Mr. Blue was saying today that it would have been more interesting had the story been told from the point of view of one of the tenants of the apartment, who would be much more emotionally invested in the other residents, making the movie much more disturbing.
Structurally, the movie is the same as Cloverfield (the characters are trapped inside of a small space with something weird and spend the entire movie trying to find a way to get out into the normal world), although in that movie they managed to make up a monster that was weird and bizarre enough to freak me out. The last twenty minutes of this movie were sort of creepy and interesting, but that was after having to sit through Jennifer Carpenter's annoying screaming for about an hour.
Part of this is that I'm just getting tired of zombie movies. Throughout the movie I was basically sitting there thinking, 'jesus, don't freak out! Just shoot em in the head, you'll be fine', and contemplating the various breaches of logic.
Despite all that, I will say this movie was about five hundred times better than Diary of the Dead.
END
Directed by: John Erick Dowdle. Written by: John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle based on the film [Rec] written by Jaume Balagueró, Luis Berdejo and Paco Plaza. Starring: Jennifer Carpenter, Jay Hernandez, Steve Harris, Johnathon Schaech, Columbus Short, Rade Serbedzija, Greg Germann, Andrew Fiscella.
[Not Really]
Moderately Trashy
Remake of the Spanish flick [Rec] which my friend saw a little while back and told me was really fucked up and scary and which I really want to see (despite the fact that she and I don't really share taste in movies most of the time).
First person horror about a bunch of people who get quarantined inside of their apartment building with a bunch of zombies. Oh, sorry, they're not really zombies, they're just infected with some sort of crazy whack ass strain of rabies (invented by Satanists? Did I get that right?), a la 28 Days Later... only it makes even less sense if such a thing is possible.
They didn't really do anything that innovative with the first-person-horror genre, following the conventions established by other films in the genre (such as how everybody has to get killed (maybe). As usual, we never see any rock solid proof of the characters death or survival but it's safe to assume they died).
Unlike, say, The Blair Witch Project, this movie didn't really create characters which I actually cared about, despite a long boring opening sequence which was supposed to help build emotional attachment I guess. Mr. Blue was saying today that it would have been more interesting had the story been told from the point of view of one of the tenants of the apartment, who would be much more emotionally invested in the other residents, making the movie much more disturbing.
Structurally, the movie is the same as Cloverfield (the characters are trapped inside of a small space with something weird and spend the entire movie trying to find a way to get out into the normal world), although in that movie they managed to make up a monster that was weird and bizarre enough to freak me out. The last twenty minutes of this movie were sort of creepy and interesting, but that was after having to sit through Jennifer Carpenter's annoying screaming for about an hour.
Part of this is that I'm just getting tired of zombie movies. Throughout the movie I was basically sitting there thinking, 'jesus, don't freak out! Just shoot em in the head, you'll be fine', and contemplating the various breaches of logic.
Despite all that, I will say this movie was about five hundred times better than Diary of the Dead.
END
Directed by: John Erick Dowdle. Written by: John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle based on the film [Rec] written by Jaume Balagueró, Luis Berdejo and Paco Plaza. Starring: Jennifer Carpenter, Jay Hernandez, Steve Harris, Johnathon Schaech, Columbus Short, Rade Serbedzija, Greg Germann, Andrew Fiscella.
Wanted
Wanted (2008)
[No]
Trash-o-rama
I will admit I actually really wanted to see this movie despite the fact that it looked really really stupid and I thought (incorrectly as it turns out) that it was based on a video game, only because it was directed by the guy who did Night Watch, which is a fucking awesome movie. The guy who plays Anton (Konstantin Khabensky) has a small role in this movie as a crazy guy who really likes rats.
This is about a weenie loser (James McAvoy) who meets a lovely lady (Angelina Jolie) who drags him into a secret society of assassins with super powers who get their targets from a magic loom. That's right, the mistakes in the fabric actually form a code which gives them the names of people who are supposed to die to maintain the balance of life and death in the world... and I thought I was fuckin nuts. Jesus.
See they manage to pull off that kind of weirdness in the Nightwatch universe. This movie was just stupid. And James McAvoy was really fucking annoying. Throughout the movie I kept hoping that Thomas Kretschmann would leap out from behind the nearest car and shoot him, hopefully fatally. Alas, my prayers went unanswered.
Don't get me wrong, there was some pretty righteous shit in this movie, and I really like Timur Bekmambetov's style, but the movie was just too dumb to overcome that.
And it was a total rip-off of The Matrix. James McAvoy was Neo with a daddy complex; Morgan Freeman was totally Morpheus only without the kung-fu moves and he turned out to be a major fucking asshole; and Thomas Kretschmann (AKA Captain Cool) is Smith only surprise! he turns out to be James McAvoy's real daddy in an astonishing plot twist I saw before James McAvoy's character was even introduced into the fucking movie. This flick is that predictable. The only thing which surprised me was that Angelina Jolie didn't have a change of heart right before she was supposed to kill weiner man and then help him bring down the system or whatever.
The entire movie I was trying to puzzle out why the hell anybody was doing whatever it was they were doing. But then, they did all take orders from a fucking loom so rational behaviour is sort of out of the question...
Fuck. This movie is almost so stupid it's funny, but not quite...
END
Directed by: Timur Bekmambetov. Written by: Michael Brandt, Derek Haas & Chris Morgan based on the comic book series written by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones. Starring: James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, Thomas Kretschmann, Terence Stamp, Common, Marc Warren, Konstantin Khabensky, Dato Bakhtadze.
[No]
Trash-o-rama
I will admit I actually really wanted to see this movie despite the fact that it looked really really stupid and I thought (incorrectly as it turns out) that it was based on a video game, only because it was directed by the guy who did Night Watch, which is a fucking awesome movie. The guy who plays Anton (Konstantin Khabensky) has a small role in this movie as a crazy guy who really likes rats.
This is about a weenie loser (James McAvoy) who meets a lovely lady (Angelina Jolie) who drags him into a secret society of assassins with super powers who get their targets from a magic loom. That's right, the mistakes in the fabric actually form a code which gives them the names of people who are supposed to die to maintain the balance of life and death in the world... and I thought I was fuckin nuts. Jesus.
See they manage to pull off that kind of weirdness in the Nightwatch universe. This movie was just stupid. And James McAvoy was really fucking annoying. Throughout the movie I kept hoping that Thomas Kretschmann would leap out from behind the nearest car and shoot him, hopefully fatally. Alas, my prayers went unanswered.
Don't get me wrong, there was some pretty righteous shit in this movie, and I really like Timur Bekmambetov's style, but the movie was just too dumb to overcome that.
And it was a total rip-off of The Matrix. James McAvoy was Neo with a daddy complex; Morgan Freeman was totally Morpheus only without the kung-fu moves and he turned out to be a major fucking asshole; and Thomas Kretschmann (AKA Captain Cool) is Smith only surprise! he turns out to be James McAvoy's real daddy in an astonishing plot twist I saw before James McAvoy's character was even introduced into the fucking movie. This flick is that predictable. The only thing which surprised me was that Angelina Jolie didn't have a change of heart right before she was supposed to kill weiner man and then help him bring down the system or whatever.
The entire movie I was trying to puzzle out why the hell anybody was doing whatever it was they were doing. But then, they did all take orders from a fucking loom so rational behaviour is sort of out of the question...
Fuck. This movie is almost so stupid it's funny, but not quite...
END
Directed by: Timur Bekmambetov. Written by: Michael Brandt, Derek Haas & Chris Morgan based on the comic book series written by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones. Starring: James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, Thomas Kretschmann, Terence Stamp, Common, Marc Warren, Konstantin Khabensky, Dato Bakhtadze.
Blacula
Blacula (1972)
[Yeah]
Extremely Trashy
The story of a man (William Marhsall) who is turned into a vampire by Dracula in the 1700s and sealed inside a coffin in the bowels of the castle. Cut to the modern day. A couple of antiques dealers buy a bunch of junk from Dracula's castles, including the coffin containing our hero. When they open it up, they unwittingly loose Blacula on Los Angeles.
Then he, like, finds the reincarnation of his murdered wife (Vonetta McGee), which is pretty sweet, but is pursued by a sort of modern day Van Helsing (Thalmus Rasulala - by far the coolest name ever but unfortunately not the actor's birth name).
This movie was a fairly standard update of the vampire legend. The guy hangs out in all the grooviest clubs but everyone thinks he's weird. Probably because he insists on wearing a cape, and talks really slowly. He actually had a really nice voice though, my God. It was really deep.
Anyway, a lot of the stuff in this movie was totally ridiculous, as is to be expected from a cheezy 'modernaized' vampire flick. There are also some pretty funny lines such as 'I will curse you with my name - you shall be... Blacula!'. Although the fact that it's even called Blacula is enough to suggest how ridiculous everything is.
It was also disgustingly '70s. I'm sorry, I always thought the '80s were the low point in human culture but I'm starting to think that the whole decade was just a recovery period from the '70s. The clothes, the hairstyles, the music... all was totally groovy, man. Egh.
This movie is sort of interesting mainly as my introduction to blaxploitation movies (it's a pretty good place to start I guess). Also, outside of the Scary Movie saga which doesn't really count, gay characters aren't depicted that often in mainstream horror flicks (not the ones I watch anyway) so it was sort of unusual but cool to have a gay couple in this movie.
Moving on, I kind of liked William Marshall and Thalmus Rasulala so this movie was at least watchable despite the awful music and poor sound quality.
END
Directed by: William Crain. Written by: Raymond Koenig and Joan Torres. Starring: William Marshall, Vonetta McGee, Thalmus Rasulala, Denise Nicholas, Gordon Pinsent, Charles Macaulay.
[Yeah]
Extremely Trashy
The story of a man (William Marhsall) who is turned into a vampire by Dracula in the 1700s and sealed inside a coffin in the bowels of the castle. Cut to the modern day. A couple of antiques dealers buy a bunch of junk from Dracula's castles, including the coffin containing our hero. When they open it up, they unwittingly loose Blacula on Los Angeles.
Then he, like, finds the reincarnation of his murdered wife (Vonetta McGee), which is pretty sweet, but is pursued by a sort of modern day Van Helsing (Thalmus Rasulala - by far the coolest name ever but unfortunately not the actor's birth name).
This movie was a fairly standard update of the vampire legend. The guy hangs out in all the grooviest clubs but everyone thinks he's weird. Probably because he insists on wearing a cape, and talks really slowly. He actually had a really nice voice though, my God. It was really deep.
Anyway, a lot of the stuff in this movie was totally ridiculous, as is to be expected from a cheezy 'modernaized' vampire flick. There are also some pretty funny lines such as 'I will curse you with my name - you shall be... Blacula!'. Although the fact that it's even called Blacula is enough to suggest how ridiculous everything is.
It was also disgustingly '70s. I'm sorry, I always thought the '80s were the low point in human culture but I'm starting to think that the whole decade was just a recovery period from the '70s. The clothes, the hairstyles, the music... all was totally groovy, man. Egh.
This movie is sort of interesting mainly as my introduction to blaxploitation movies (it's a pretty good place to start I guess). Also, outside of the Scary Movie saga which doesn't really count, gay characters aren't depicted that often in mainstream horror flicks (not the ones I watch anyway) so it was sort of unusual but cool to have a gay couple in this movie.
Moving on, I kind of liked William Marshall and Thalmus Rasulala so this movie was at least watchable despite the awful music and poor sound quality.
END
Directed by: William Crain. Written by: Raymond Koenig and Joan Torres. Starring: William Marshall, Vonetta McGee, Thalmus Rasulala, Denise Nicholas, Gordon Pinsent, Charles Macaulay.
The Warriors
The Warriors (1979)
Ranking: Meh
Extremely Trashy
That movie where a gang from Coney Island gets framed for the assassination of a big time gang leader (Roger Hill) and must evade the other gangs which are out to get them long enough to return home.
This movie is totally precious. I mean, it seems like the only thing you really need to do to start a gang is get a bunch of people to wear the same dorky costumes (like in Batman! You know how like in the movies all the henchmen of any particular villain dress the same. It's funny) and then come up with a cute name. Gangs in this movie include: The Warriors (duh), The Rogues, The Baseball Furies (these guys all wore Yankee pinstripes and beat the shit out of people with baseball bats. Yeah!), The Orphans, The Lizzies, and the Wu-Tang Clan.
I always wanted to start up my own gang and walk around busting heads and windshields with golf clubs. That was honest to God one of my childhood dreams. I think this movie finally killed that aspiration, which is possibly for the better. This movie and Clockwork Orange. The guys just look like such dorks. All they needed were matching mullets and the look would be complete (I'm pretty sure at least one of them had a mullet...).
Anyway, despite the fact that it was majorly dorky and the villain was really fucking annoying (I could not wait for somebody, preferably the space man with the big sunglasses, to pop a cap in that guy's ass), this movie was sort of entertaining and soothingly predictable.
It was also packed with violence - although most of it was nonlethal, and the fight scenes weren't that well choreographed - and the main guy was kind of good looking, so it's got that going for it.
I'm pretty much ambivalent towards the whole thing though so whatever.
END
Directed by: Walter Hill. Written by: Walter Hill and David Shaber based on the novel by Sol Yurick. Starring: Michael Beck, James Remar, Dorsey Wright, Brian Tyler, David Harris, Tom McKitterick, Marcelino Sánchez, Terry Michos, Deborah Van Valkenburgh.
Ranking: Meh
Extremely Trashy
That movie where a gang from Coney Island gets framed for the assassination of a big time gang leader (Roger Hill) and must evade the other gangs which are out to get them long enough to return home.
This movie is totally precious. I mean, it seems like the only thing you really need to do to start a gang is get a bunch of people to wear the same dorky costumes (like in Batman! You know how like in the movies all the henchmen of any particular villain dress the same. It's funny) and then come up with a cute name. Gangs in this movie include: The Warriors (duh), The Rogues, The Baseball Furies (these guys all wore Yankee pinstripes and beat the shit out of people with baseball bats. Yeah!), The Orphans, The Lizzies, and the Wu-Tang Clan.
I always wanted to start up my own gang and walk around busting heads and windshields with golf clubs. That was honest to God one of my childhood dreams. I think this movie finally killed that aspiration, which is possibly for the better. This movie and Clockwork Orange. The guys just look like such dorks. All they needed were matching mullets and the look would be complete (I'm pretty sure at least one of them had a mullet...).
Anyway, despite the fact that it was majorly dorky and the villain was really fucking annoying (I could not wait for somebody, preferably the space man with the big sunglasses, to pop a cap in that guy's ass), this movie was sort of entertaining and soothingly predictable.
It was also packed with violence - although most of it was nonlethal, and the fight scenes weren't that well choreographed - and the main guy was kind of good looking, so it's got that going for it.
I'm pretty much ambivalent towards the whole thing though so whatever.
END
Directed by: Walter Hill. Written by: Walter Hill and David Shaber based on the novel by Sol Yurick. Starring: Michael Beck, James Remar, Dorsey Wright, Brian Tyler, David Harris, Tom McKitterick, Marcelino Sánchez, Terry Michos, Deborah Van Valkenburgh.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Death Race 2000
Death Race 2000 (1975)
Ranking: Fuck Yeah
Trash-o-rama
Holy shit. This movie was fucking amazing. It was, like, nine hundred times better than the remake. That's not saying a lot, actually, but whatever. This movie rocked my socks.
In the year 2000, the US economy has collapsed, the government is run by a total whacko (Sandy McCallum) called simply 'Mr. President' who lives overseas and blames everything on the French and the nation watches the transcontinental death race, where people drive crazy cars across the country and get points for running people over (points are dependant upon the age of the person. For example, children under 12 are worth 40 points but people over 75 are worth 100. Awesome). Meanwhile, 'the resistance' tries to stop the senseless waste of life by blowing up the racers.
The film centres on the driver known as Frankenstein (David Carradine) and his beautiful navigator (Simone Griffeth) who is secretly working for the resistance. Righteous.
Unlike the remake, which was all very uptight and serious (what with the Stath's wife being dead and all), this movie has a ridiculous/morbid sense of humour and was totally fuckin out there. I mean, it was really dated but, rather than being held back and embarrassed by its own datedness, it seems to revel in it. I mean, the cars were fucking awesome, it was like 70s-central. And everybody wears a cool helmet.
And fuck, David Carradine's get up is amazing. In addition to having an extra cool helmet, he wears a black rubber mask (a little bit like the one Michael Jackson has been wearing lately) and dresses like something out of a German SM club. I kept expecting, like, Pinhead to show up and help him fight with Sylvester Stallone.
It tickles me that Stallone was in this. Back in the days before Rocky. Actually, Rocky was '76, so this was only one year before. Haha, awesome.
This is totally my new favourite movie.
END
Directed by: Paul Bartel. Written by: Charles Griffith and Robert Thom based on a story by Ib Melchior. Starring: David Carradine, Simone Griffith, Sylvester Stallone, Mary Woronov, Joyce Jameson, Harriet Medin, Roberta Collins, Sandy McCallum, Martin Cove.
Ranking: Fuck Yeah
Trash-o-rama
Holy shit. This movie was fucking amazing. It was, like, nine hundred times better than the remake. That's not saying a lot, actually, but whatever. This movie rocked my socks.
In the year 2000, the US economy has collapsed, the government is run by a total whacko (Sandy McCallum) called simply 'Mr. President' who lives overseas and blames everything on the French and the nation watches the transcontinental death race, where people drive crazy cars across the country and get points for running people over (points are dependant upon the age of the person. For example, children under 12 are worth 40 points but people over 75 are worth 100. Awesome). Meanwhile, 'the resistance' tries to stop the senseless waste of life by blowing up the racers.
The film centres on the driver known as Frankenstein (David Carradine) and his beautiful navigator (Simone Griffeth) who is secretly working for the resistance. Righteous.
Unlike the remake, which was all very uptight and serious (what with the Stath's wife being dead and all), this movie has a ridiculous/morbid sense of humour and was totally fuckin out there. I mean, it was really dated but, rather than being held back and embarrassed by its own datedness, it seems to revel in it. I mean, the cars were fucking awesome, it was like 70s-central. And everybody wears a cool helmet.
And fuck, David Carradine's get up is amazing. In addition to having an extra cool helmet, he wears a black rubber mask (a little bit like the one Michael Jackson has been wearing lately) and dresses like something out of a German SM club. I kept expecting, like, Pinhead to show up and help him fight with Sylvester Stallone.
It tickles me that Stallone was in this. Back in the days before Rocky. Actually, Rocky was '76, so this was only one year before. Haha, awesome.
This is totally my new favourite movie.
END
Directed by: Paul Bartel. Written by: Charles Griffith and Robert Thom based on a story by Ib Melchior. Starring: David Carradine, Simone Griffith, Sylvester Stallone, Mary Woronov, Joyce Jameson, Harriet Medin, Roberta Collins, Sandy McCallum, Martin Cove.
The Green Slime
The Green Slime (1968)
Ranking: Sure
Trash-o-rama
I had seen the trailer for this movie at both Al Fresco before Empire of the Ants and at the Thrillema when I went to see The Thing. The trailer is awesome. As it turns out, Mr. Blue has this movie in his collection of shit he taped off of Scream. w00t!
In the future, a giant meteor is headed towards the space station orbiting Earth and it's up to the newly retired astronaut or whatever, whom we will call Captain Cool (Robert Horton, who looks sort of like Roger Moore), to take a team of dudes to blow it up a la Armegeddon, sort of. Once on the meteor, they find it is covered in a mysterious green slime. They blow it up anyway, however, a tiny trace of green slime gets on Captain Cool's space suit and starts breeding as soon as they get back to the space station. Soon, it has grown into these big monsters which electrocute people and is overrunning the place. Mayhem ensues.
This movie has frigging everything a person could possiibly want. It has futuristic sets which I'm sure are probably leftovers from a Mothra movie or something (this film was made in Japan). By futuristic I mean everything looks like it's from the sixties but it's spray painted silver! Yes!
It has awesome looking monsters that kill people by electrocution, have the ability to heal themselves using solar power and reproduce like crazy. There is also the obligatory mad scientist (Ted Gunther) who explains how the monsters work and tries to protect them, eventually dying at their hands.
The acting is surprisingly good all considered, and there was a really hot lady (Luciana Paluzzi), caught in between her former lover, Captain Cool, and her new fiance (Robert Jaeckel), who used to be best friends I think. You just know one of them is going to get killed trying to save the other.
And the song is really awesome too (possibly even better than the song in The Blob).
Behold.
Yes, this film is the ultimate cheesy monster movie, though probably one of the last of its breed, possibly even sounding the death knell of the cheesy monster movie (I gather it didn't do especially well). Nonetheless, it is totally awesome and wow.
END
Directed by: Kinji Fukasaku. Written by: Tom Rowe and Charles Sinclair. Starring: Robert Horton, Robert Jaeckel, Luciana Paluzzi, Bud Widom, Ted Gunther.
Ranking: Sure
Trash-o-rama
I had seen the trailer for this movie at both Al Fresco before Empire of the Ants and at the Thrillema when I went to see The Thing. The trailer is awesome. As it turns out, Mr. Blue has this movie in his collection of shit he taped off of Scream. w00t!
In the future, a giant meteor is headed towards the space station orbiting Earth and it's up to the newly retired astronaut or whatever, whom we will call Captain Cool (Robert Horton, who looks sort of like Roger Moore), to take a team of dudes to blow it up a la Armegeddon, sort of. Once on the meteor, they find it is covered in a mysterious green slime. They blow it up anyway, however, a tiny trace of green slime gets on Captain Cool's space suit and starts breeding as soon as they get back to the space station. Soon, it has grown into these big monsters which electrocute people and is overrunning the place. Mayhem ensues.
This movie has frigging everything a person could possiibly want. It has futuristic sets which I'm sure are probably leftovers from a Mothra movie or something (this film was made in Japan). By futuristic I mean everything looks like it's from the sixties but it's spray painted silver! Yes!
It has awesome looking monsters that kill people by electrocution, have the ability to heal themselves using solar power and reproduce like crazy. There is also the obligatory mad scientist (Ted Gunther) who explains how the monsters work and tries to protect them, eventually dying at their hands.
The acting is surprisingly good all considered, and there was a really hot lady (Luciana Paluzzi), caught in between her former lover, Captain Cool, and her new fiance (Robert Jaeckel), who used to be best friends I think. You just know one of them is going to get killed trying to save the other.
And the song is really awesome too (possibly even better than the song in The Blob).
Behold.
Yes, this film is the ultimate cheesy monster movie, though probably one of the last of its breed, possibly even sounding the death knell of the cheesy monster movie (I gather it didn't do especially well). Nonetheless, it is totally awesome and wow.
END
Directed by: Kinji Fukasaku. Written by: Tom Rowe and Charles Sinclair. Starring: Robert Horton, Robert Jaeckel, Luciana Paluzzi, Bud Widom, Ted Gunther.
Bride of Re-Animator
Bride of Re-Animator (1990)
Ranking: No
Holy Shit this movie is trashy
Wow. Sequel to Re-Animator which kind of killed the original for me, just a little bit as I am now going to filter it through this movie. Great. Ah well, these things happen.
I can't remember how exactly they got him in the last movie (I think he might have been eaten by a giant intestine or something), but the Re-Animator (Jeffrey Combs) is back, again I'm not sure how (they may have explained how he survived, but the sound was really bad on the copy I have and I may have missed something), and now he's making a lady out of dead bits. Along the way, he makes all kinds of impractical shit, like a leg attached to an arm (why?), and a dog with a human hand.
You kind of have to ask yourself, what good does that do anybody? I guess it just breaks up the day...
Anyway, I didn't really expect this movie to live up to the first one, but it was still sort of disappointing. I mean, it's only barely put together properly - a lot of the cuts don't really make sense and they seem to skip a lot of stuff. Like they didn't get enough shots and then just slapped together whatever they had regardless of whether it worked or not.
Also, the actors who had a sort of manic energy in the first now seem barely able to wade through the half-assed dialogue. And in one scene somebody is walking past the graveyard and the sign reads 'cemetary'. Fucking amateurs. Almost as bad as when, in one of the Halloween movies (I think it was H20) for some reason 'Yeats' is written down 'Yates'. I hate shit like that.
Moving on, this movie did have some gross out stuff, but generally it was sort of flat and lifeless and I spent a lot of time pondering the science of everything (that's never a good sign). Like, how exactly does the serum travel througout the body? That is a question which should never be asked. Dammit. This movie sucked.
END
Directed by: Brian Yuzna. Written by: Brian Yuzna, Rick Fry & Woody Keith. Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Abbott, Fabiana Udenio, Claude Earl Jones (wtf?), David Gale, Mel Stewart, Kathleen Kinmont.
Ranking: No
Holy Shit this movie is trashy
Wow. Sequel to Re-Animator which kind of killed the original for me, just a little bit as I am now going to filter it through this movie. Great. Ah well, these things happen.
I can't remember how exactly they got him in the last movie (I think he might have been eaten by a giant intestine or something), but the Re-Animator (Jeffrey Combs) is back, again I'm not sure how (they may have explained how he survived, but the sound was really bad on the copy I have and I may have missed something), and now he's making a lady out of dead bits. Along the way, he makes all kinds of impractical shit, like a leg attached to an arm (why?), and a dog with a human hand.
You kind of have to ask yourself, what good does that do anybody? I guess it just breaks up the day...
Anyway, I didn't really expect this movie to live up to the first one, but it was still sort of disappointing. I mean, it's only barely put together properly - a lot of the cuts don't really make sense and they seem to skip a lot of stuff. Like they didn't get enough shots and then just slapped together whatever they had regardless of whether it worked or not.
Also, the actors who had a sort of manic energy in the first now seem barely able to wade through the half-assed dialogue. And in one scene somebody is walking past the graveyard and the sign reads 'cemetary'. Fucking amateurs. Almost as bad as when, in one of the Halloween movies (I think it was H20) for some reason 'Yeats' is written down 'Yates'. I hate shit like that.
Moving on, this movie did have some gross out stuff, but generally it was sort of flat and lifeless and I spent a lot of time pondering the science of everything (that's never a good sign). Like, how exactly does the serum travel througout the body? That is a question which should never be asked. Dammit. This movie sucked.
END
Directed by: Brian Yuzna. Written by: Brian Yuzna, Rick Fry & Woody Keith. Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Abbott, Fabiana Udenio, Claude Earl Jones (wtf?), David Gale, Mel Stewart, Kathleen Kinmont.
Let the Right One In
Låt den Rätte Komma In (2008)
Ranking: Yes
Slightly Trashy
This was the other movie I went to see while I was in Halifax, as I had heard a lot of good stuff about it and doubted that it would have an especially wide release. It was screened with The Scavengers, an amazing local short which I saw a few months ago at the AFF (I couldn't find it on youtube but here's the trailer).
Set in Stockholm in the '80s and about a 12 year old boy (Kåre Hedebrant) who is mercilessly picked on and bullied at school until he meets and falls in love with the weird girl next door (Lina Leandersson) who turns out to be a vampire.
I really dug this movie. I was sort of expecting it to be really scary, which it wasn't, it was more on the disturbing and pervey side, but it was also weirdly sweet and I spent a lot of time thinking about it afterwards. I really want to read the book now, although I've heard it's even more on the disturbing/pervey side...
Despite the fact that it was kinda sick and fucked up, it was also pretty romantic, which is actually the combination you want from a good vampire movie. Fucked up but romantic. And very intense. The entire film felt like it was shot in extreme close-ups (this is an exaggeration, but there were a lot of them ), with all kinds of weird focus-y stuff (which I could probably describe better if I had any idea what I was talking about, but I don't).
Also, I really liked the colour scheme (mostly grey) - it was just so overwhelmingly depressing or something. Everything was grey and washed out, everybody was pale. I guess that's what it's like living in Sweden... I dunno. I may have mentioned this before, but I want to go to Sweden. It seems like an interesting place.
Anyway, the two leads were really good, particularly Lina Leandersson, but both of them were sort of weird and ethereal but still very real and compelling. If that makes any sense... I hope they go on to do other stuff.
There is a remake of this scheduled for 2010 directed by the same guy what did Cloverfield, which is sort of obnoxious (why do they remake fucking everything?), although according to Wikipedia, dude is going to be adapting it directly from the novel rather than just making a straight up remake of the flick. So that's good I guess...
Anyway. This movie is the shit and you should try to see it if you can.
END
Directed by: Tomas Alfredson. Written by: John Ajvide Lindqvist, based on his novel. Starring: Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar, Peter Carlberg, Ika Nord, Patrik Rydmark, Rasmus Luthander.
Ranking: Yes
Slightly Trashy
This was the other movie I went to see while I was in Halifax, as I had heard a lot of good stuff about it and doubted that it would have an especially wide release. It was screened with The Scavengers, an amazing local short which I saw a few months ago at the AFF (I couldn't find it on youtube but here's the trailer).
Set in Stockholm in the '80s and about a 12 year old boy (Kåre Hedebrant) who is mercilessly picked on and bullied at school until he meets and falls in love with the weird girl next door (Lina Leandersson) who turns out to be a vampire.
I really dug this movie. I was sort of expecting it to be really scary, which it wasn't, it was more on the disturbing and pervey side, but it was also weirdly sweet and I spent a lot of time thinking about it afterwards. I really want to read the book now, although I've heard it's even more on the disturbing/pervey side...
Despite the fact that it was kinda sick and fucked up, it was also pretty romantic, which is actually the combination you want from a good vampire movie. Fucked up but romantic. And very intense. The entire film felt like it was shot in extreme close-ups (this is an exaggeration, but there were a lot of them ), with all kinds of weird focus-y stuff (which I could probably describe better if I had any idea what I was talking about, but I don't).
Also, I really liked the colour scheme (mostly grey) - it was just so overwhelmingly depressing or something. Everything was grey and washed out, everybody was pale. I guess that's what it's like living in Sweden... I dunno. I may have mentioned this before, but I want to go to Sweden. It seems like an interesting place.
Anyway, the two leads were really good, particularly Lina Leandersson, but both of them were sort of weird and ethereal but still very real and compelling. If that makes any sense... I hope they go on to do other stuff.
There is a remake of this scheduled for 2010 directed by the same guy what did Cloverfield, which is sort of obnoxious (why do they remake fucking everything?), although according to Wikipedia, dude is going to be adapting it directly from the novel rather than just making a straight up remake of the flick. So that's good I guess...
Anyway. This movie is the shit and you should try to see it if you can.
END
Directed by: Tomas Alfredson. Written by: John Ajvide Lindqvist, based on his novel. Starring: Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar, Peter Carlberg, Ika Nord, Patrik Rydmark, Rasmus Luthander.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th (2009)
Ranking: Heck Yeah
Trash-o-rama
My latest absence was due to a three week visit to my hometown on Halifax/Dartmouth from which I returned on Saturday. While I was there, I couldn't resist the urge to go see this movie. I could have gone to see Slumdog Millionaire or Watchmen but I went to see this instead. Because... well, fuck, I've seen all the other ones, I might as well.
A group of teenagers goes out to Crystal Lake where something not very nice happened twenty years ago. They get killed by Jason. Wow.
Um, some people are probably going to hate me for this, but hey, fuck em: I actually thought this movie was better than the original movie. I didn't really enjoy the original all that much, which is surprising considering the crap that I do enjoy (ex: The Green Slime (review coming soon)). This movie was almost the opposite, being slick and polished rather than the low budget and amateur original film. I find this interesting. It was very well made and looked amazing. Almost a little too slick, but it did okay.
Plus it was fun and nasty which made me happy. There was lots of gross stuff and tons of sex and nudity. And assholes getting killed. That's always the best part. The people in these movies are just so fucking stupid, it's awesome. Mr. White and I were discussing it at length before, during and after the movie and really, anyone with any sense could survive one of these things. First of all, you don't go in the fucking guy's house that's just rude. They made that mistake in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and they made it in this movie. Foolz.
The obligatory ethnic characters (who, surprisingly, did not get killed in the first forty five minutes, surviving well into the movie) were the only interesting people in the movie (they were also the obligatory stoners) as all the other ones seemed to run together. There were a couple of slutty ladies, a nice chick, and two or three guys who all looked the same to me and had identical voices, clothing and personalities. Actually, one of them was an asshole, but other than that I couldn't tell them apart.
The flick was directed by the same bloke what did the remake of TCM and this movie felt a lot like one of those (which may be a good thing...). I think it was shot in Texas which is sort of obnoxious. There was even a thing where Jason captures one of the girls (Amanda Righetti) who resembles his mother and chains her up in his basement. I'm pretty sure they did that in one of the TCM flicks...
There was also that creepy guy with the woodchipper and the mannequin... that guy really freaked me out... straight out of Texas.
Uh, yeah, I thought this movie was actually pretty awesome despite the fact that it went on a bit and was a little pointless (the rescuing-the-sister subplot was not needed in my mind. I know, there had to be some reason for us to like that character but maybe just making him not an asshole would have done the trick?). Definitely worth watching foor fans of the series I would say although let's hope to God they don't make a sequel... that would be a little much...
STATS
(Yes, I did keep stats for this movie)
Bodies: 14
Request Death: Jason ties a skanky girl (America Olivo) in her sleeping bag and roasts her over the campfire. Horrible, but awesome.
How they Kill Him: They don't fucking kill him. They just think they do and then BAM he pops out of the lake. They should have gone all Fargo and stuck his ass and the woodchipper but no, they had to throw him in the lake. n00bz.
END
Directed by: Marcus Nispel. Written by: Damian Shannon and Mark Swift. Starring: Derek Mears, Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle (best name ever), Aaron Yoo, Arlen Escarpeta.
Ranking: Heck Yeah
Trash-o-rama
My latest absence was due to a three week visit to my hometown on Halifax/Dartmouth from which I returned on Saturday. While I was there, I couldn't resist the urge to go see this movie. I could have gone to see Slumdog Millionaire or Watchmen but I went to see this instead. Because... well, fuck, I've seen all the other ones, I might as well.
A group of teenagers goes out to Crystal Lake where something not very nice happened twenty years ago. They get killed by Jason. Wow.
Um, some people are probably going to hate me for this, but hey, fuck em: I actually thought this movie was better than the original movie. I didn't really enjoy the original all that much, which is surprising considering the crap that I do enjoy (ex: The Green Slime (review coming soon)). This movie was almost the opposite, being slick and polished rather than the low budget and amateur original film. I find this interesting. It was very well made and looked amazing. Almost a little too slick, but it did okay.
Plus it was fun and nasty which made me happy. There was lots of gross stuff and tons of sex and nudity. And assholes getting killed. That's always the best part. The people in these movies are just so fucking stupid, it's awesome. Mr. White and I were discussing it at length before, during and after the movie and really, anyone with any sense could survive one of these things. First of all, you don't go in the fucking guy's house that's just rude. They made that mistake in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and they made it in this movie. Foolz.
The obligatory ethnic characters (who, surprisingly, did not get killed in the first forty five minutes, surviving well into the movie) were the only interesting people in the movie (they were also the obligatory stoners) as all the other ones seemed to run together. There were a couple of slutty ladies, a nice chick, and two or three guys who all looked the same to me and had identical voices, clothing and personalities. Actually, one of them was an asshole, but other than that I couldn't tell them apart.
The flick was directed by the same bloke what did the remake of TCM and this movie felt a lot like one of those (which may be a good thing...). I think it was shot in Texas which is sort of obnoxious. There was even a thing where Jason captures one of the girls (Amanda Righetti) who resembles his mother and chains her up in his basement. I'm pretty sure they did that in one of the TCM flicks...
There was also that creepy guy with the woodchipper and the mannequin... that guy really freaked me out... straight out of Texas.
Uh, yeah, I thought this movie was actually pretty awesome despite the fact that it went on a bit and was a little pointless (the rescuing-the-sister subplot was not needed in my mind. I know, there had to be some reason for us to like that character but maybe just making him not an asshole would have done the trick?). Definitely worth watching foor fans of the series I would say although let's hope to God they don't make a sequel... that would be a little much...
STATS
(Yes, I did keep stats for this movie)
Bodies: 14
Request Death: Jason ties a skanky girl (America Olivo) in her sleeping bag and roasts her over the campfire. Horrible, but awesome.
How they Kill Him: They don't fucking kill him. They just think they do and then BAM he pops out of the lake. They should have gone all Fargo and stuck his ass and the woodchipper but no, they had to throw him in the lake. n00bz.
END
Directed by: Marcus Nispel. Written by: Damian Shannon and Mark Swift. Starring: Derek Mears, Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle (best name ever), Aaron Yoo, Arlen Escarpeta.
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