El Sonido de la Muerte (1964)
Another forgotten gem off that horror classics DVD from the library.
A group of treasure hunters poking around in a cave in the Mediterranean accidentally unearth a nest of prehistoric eggs which hatch into monsters who really enjoy ripping the shit out of people. But there's one problem: they're invisible.
Seriously. There is one shot of the inside of the cave that lasts I swear to God at least a minute (that may not sound like much, but it really is) with nothing fucking happening. Nothing. Nothing in the picture moves, the camera does not move, I think there's a little bit of music, but no sounds really. Because... well, the monster's invisible, isn't it? You can't see it.
I shit you not. This movie was maddeningly low budget, and seemed to squander all the budget it had on... I don't know what. Sound effects. Admittedly, the movie is very high concept, but like so much other crap I've been reviewing lately, the execution is agonizingly poor.
And then when the monsters attack... oh God. They did a remarkably good job using only sounds but... it's just not enough. As for the actors, they weren't all terrible but the script was so that sort of cancels that out.
As well as scenes where literally nothing is happening, there are also a great number of scenes where nothing relevant is happening. The younger folk are sitting around talking about something boring. Or dancing to bad pop music.
I thought that this shit was just there to pad out the running time to 68 minutes (which is what it said on the box), but lo, the box is deceitful for the film actually runs much longer than that. 68 minutes is probably when most people stop watching. 68 minutes is about the part where the legal guardian of the female romantic lead nobly gives up his life to blow up the caves and destroy the monsters.
But oh, the film is far from over. They won't let you leave that easily. It keeps going. The man's friends talk about what a great guy was and give their condolances to the girl. 70 minutes. They return to the house and pack up their stuff to leave. Oh dear, Ingrid Pitt forgot her handbag. Oh good, she went back and got it. 75 minutes.
They get out to the jeep and all get in. Buddy tries to start the jeep. Uh oh, it won't start. Well, that's okay, they'll just try it again. No, it still won't start. Hm, what could possibly be wrong with the jeep? Well, let's try it again. Oh no!. One of the monsters is apparently still alive. Run back to the house. 80 minutes. Sit around in the house for a while and try to decide what to do. Chick chick heads up to the bedroom to do whatever and... oh my God, one of the monsters is inside the house. Oh, okay, they got it out again. By this point I am pleading with the DVD. "Just end. Please. End. I'm begging you"
Better go see if the jeep will start now. Everybody get back out to the jeep. Oh, no, the jeep still won't start. Huh. Oh no wait, yes it will. Let's go. 85 minutes. Everything seems to be going fine. I guess we finally made it out. Wrong. The fucking monster is on top of the fucking jeep.
Everybody get out of the jeep. The jeep explodes for no apparent reason, completely incinerating the monster and the one poor bastard who happened to still be in the car. Oh well, fuck him. Is the movie really over? I was getting really suspicious at this point, but it really was over this time, leaving the movie at 90 minutes.
90 fucking minutes! That's almost half an hour longer than the fucking box said it was. I mean, if this movie was fan-fucking-tastic, I would have forgiven it that. I would have even enjoyed it. Hey! 22 extra minutes of goodness. Woo hoo.
But no. It had to be tacked on to the end of, quite possibly, the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I know, that is an impressive statement, but honest to fucking Jesus, watching this movie was like hitting yerself in the head with a brick for 90 fucking minutes.
It really made me question my lifestyle and choice of viewing material actually, which is not something I particularly wanted to question. Sound of Horror = worst movie ever. Stay the fuck away at all costs.
Directed by: José Antonio Nieves Conde. Written by: José Antonio Nieves Conde, Sam X. Abarbanel, G. Sacristan, Gregg C. Tallas. Starring: James Philbrook, Arturo Fernández, Soledad Miranda, José Bódalo, Antonio Casas, Ingrid Pitt, Lola Gaos, Fransisco Piquer.