Friday, March 16, 2012

Bloodrayne 3

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Man, you know, I saw this movie at the store and I knew I had to watch it. Something about Uwe Boll movies compels us all, like moths to an open flame. Anyway, this is the second sequel to Bloodrayne (I haven't seen the other film in the series) and is set during the second world war. Great.

So there's this half vampire chick (Natassia Malthe) who I guess is working alongside The Resistance on the eastern front and accidentally turns some badass Nazi (Michael Paré) into a vampire because, despite being a few hundred years old she's a fucking amateur. So this badass Nazi vampire dude starts working with a mad doctor (Clint Howard) to... I dunno, turn all the Nazis and eventually Hitler into super vampires. In other words, it's exactly the same plot at Innocent Blood only instead of Mafiosi there's Nazis.

Also, apparently World War 2 had a lot to do with vampires. I didn't really catch all of this but there was something mentioned at the beginning about either vampires trying to eliminate humans or humans eliminating vampires and that's why the war happened. And... I dunno that bothered me. I get why people want to use Nazis in completely anachronistic ways in their movies - they can be killed without guilt or remorse but they're also really photogenic. But, like, fucking around with the details of the second world war for entertainment's sake is just... it's kinda disrespectful.  Yeah, I know, it was almost seventy years ago but it's still too soon.

But that's just a personal thing. In the interest of being objective (since when do I do objective reviews? Fuck), this movie was almost completely incomprehensible. I mean, okay, Rayne and a bunch of freedom fighters or whatevs are trying to stop the badass vampire Nazi from getting to Berlin to infuse Hitler with vampire juice, I got that part. But there's all kinds of stuff going on that I had a hard time following not only because it seemed completely irrelevant to the plot at hand, but also because the editing was so fucking incompetant it was hard to tell what the fuck was supposed to be happening in some of the scenes or why they were showing it to us.

There are also a lot of little problems, like how come Rayne leaves her corset on in bed? Why not sleep naked? It's certainly not out of modesty on the filmmakers part, since there is a fairly graphic girl on girl scene at approximately the 25 minute mark (you're welcome). Why does she even care what the Nazis do? She's a goddamn vampire, it doesn't effect her. Why does the crazy doctor start quoting Bob Dylan in the middle there? What the fuck!?

But the biggest problem (or not, depending how you look at it) is the almost unbelievably bad acting, specifically Natassia Malthe who was just really lacking as a kickass vampire babe. The only thing she really had going for her was that her corset did a good job of pushing her tits up, but I mean when she took that off her boobage kinda disappeared... she also had a pretty cool hat. It reminds me of those little tiny leather hats they put on hawks and falcons and shit.

Pictured: Rayne, Rayne's Hat, Rayne's Breasts and the guy from open mic night at the Hipster Cafe
But other than that she really didn't do it for me. She had one of those high, girly voices and her acting made me miss Kristanna Loken. At least she didn't try to emote. At all.

That being said, the guy who played the doctor, Clint Howard (who is apparently Ron Howards brother and has like a gazillion credits on IMDb) was waaaaaaaaaay worse. It was almost embarassing to watch. He looks like he's just reading his lines off cue cards and doing a funny accent (what accent was that exactly?) instead of acting. It was pretty funny to be honest.

But you know what, as absolutely terrible as this movie is, it did entertain me for seventy minutes. I could have rented one of those movies about people dying of cancer for two hours and gouged my own eyes out of boredom. This at least had some shit going on. Then again my priorities are kind of warped.


Directed by: Uwe Boll.  Written by: Michael Nachoff.  Starring: Natassia Malthe, Brendan Fletcher, Michael ParĂ©, William Belli, Annett Culp, Clint Howard.

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