Thursday, December 20, 2018

Movies I Watched in 2018 Ranked

I don't have time to watch a movie and actually review it before I go to work, so instead here's a digest version of the movies I already watched and reviewed in 2018 because... fuck it, am I right?

The Crescent (2017)
Score: +8
Consensus: It's a no-budget movie that never feels cheap, it's both an engrossing drama and a really distressing horror, it's my favourite movie I reviewed this year
Full Review

Self Defense (1983)
Score: +7
Consensus: Okay so I know it's kind of suspicious that my favourite two movies that I watched this year are both from Nova Scotia, but damn we make some good movies. I've watched this one twice this year so far and it's a fun, disturbingly plausible addition to the oeuvre of home invasion films
Full Review

Hercules in the Centre of the Earth (1961)
Score: +4
Consensus: Mario Bava made a Hercules movie. 'nuff said.
Full Review

The Bat (1959)
Score:  +4
Consensus: The Bat was a delightful, well written mystery/thriller with fun performances by the two female leads, and also Vincent Price was there
Full Review

The Babysitter (2017)
Score: -1
Consensus: I actually have no recollection of this movie so I'm guessing it was aggressively mediocre
Full Review

Parasite (1982)
Score: -2
Consensus: Parasite was a really stupid and boring movie set in a really interesting post apocalyptic world. It would have been a really cool movie if the characters weren't so stupid and the acting wasn't so bad
Full Review

Spookies (1986)
Score: -3
Consensus: Spookies had some genuinely inspired moments and really cool monster design, but was bogged down by superfluous plot lines. It was really two movies, crudely forced together in a loveless union that, like the marriage between the wizard guy and his bride in the movie, begat only grotesque monsters
Full Review

Star Trek 5 (1989)
Score: -3
Consensus: I don't remember if this is the one with Vulcan Jesus or the one where Kirk goes to Klingon jail but either way it wasn't as bad as the other one I watched.
Full Review

Extinction (2018)
Score: -5
Consensus: This was actually a really cool, high concept sci-fi flick until it got crushed under the weight of its own heavy handed allegory for racism or immigration or whatever the fuck
Full Review

Night of the Twisters (1996)
Score: -8
Consensus: Night of the Twisters was a painfully saccharine hallmark card of a movie, but the tornadoes were actually really fucking intense and scary so I'm calling this one a draw
Full Review

The Brain Eaters (1958)
Score: -8
Consensus: Of all the sci-fi monster movies made in the 1950s, why did I watch this one?
Full Review

Leatherface (2017)
Score: -8
Consensus: Leatherface is my favourite horror movie killer, and this movie made me feel ashamed of that
Full Review

Nightmare (1981)
Score: -12
Consensus: It's called "Nightmare" but it's really a right-wing fever dream. Coincidence?
Full Review

Star Trek 6 (1991)
Score: -13
Consensus: Jesus fucking christ, this movie
Full "Review"

Independence Day 2 (2016)
Score: -16
Consensus: I'll say it - the first Independence Day was okay and didn't need a sequel. All of the good parts I remember from Independence Day were actually from Mars Attacks. It's a travesty that there's an Independence Day 2 but no Mars Attacks 2.
Full Review

Lights Out (2016)
Score: -16.5
Consensus: This is the worst movie I reviewed in 2018, sneaking in just below Independence Day 2 on a technicality. Lights Out starts with sort of a cool idea and a decently creepy opening scene and then is just diarrhea inducing stupidity from then on.
Full Review